The art of not giving a damn

If I had one thing I could fix that would make my life more freeing and less anxious, it would be how much I care. I care too much about too many things. I don't know how to say no.

So this year, I'm going to work on saying 'no' and being more selective about what I care about. I used to take in everything that comes my way and try to mend it or mold myself to give in to others. Yeah not this year, buddy. Things I feel aren't worth being upset over, I'm just going to step back, avoid and detach. Time to remove myself from negativity and things that just piss me off.

Here are some methods I'm planning to use to perfect the fine art of not giving a damn:

Oops I Did It Again

Remember my earlier post about not giving in to other people and my revelation about focusing on my own wants and needs? That was when I finally realized that I can't continue doing shit for people who don't care and who won't do the same for me anymore. Over the past few months when the situation arises, I have been actively assessing and analyzing what I should do in situations that require me to be assertive.

Very recently, I took the Caliper test and the results further confirmed that I was the kind of person to give in to others and have a need to be liked*. My accommodating trait was sky high! Which wasn't a good thing, because at some point, you accommodate people so much that you start to forget yourself. You lose yourself in the process. And that has happened one time too many. I need to set healthy boundaries of which extent I'm willing to accommodate to other people, and when I will say enough is enough.

I regressed and it happened again a few days ago on a larger scale when I strongly convinced myself to give my opportunity away to someone else who may do better than me and be okay with it. I willingly made the choice for the both of us and offered my own chance to her. In the end, it was all for (call it whatever you want but I'm going to call it...) drama and the want for heightened emotions, as all of us got the opportunity we wanted. At that time I was operating in mode "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". She was my friend, who I expected at least an acknowledgment from after the whole debacle. But she didn't say anything, and probably treated the situation as if nothing happened. After that, something just clicked within me and I thought, not everyone has the same heart as me. Not everyone will fall on their own sword for me. That's reality and a fact of life. You can't expect others to do the same for you. And I didn't give away my opportunity to please others, it all boiled down to friendship. What I've learned from that is: when it comes to things that truly matter and benefit me, I need to fight for it regardless of sentiment or friendship. I almost subconsciously let someone else take what I deserved away from me.

There has to come a time when you just have to be a little selfish. I don't know if I could've lived with myself if I was selected and that person didn't get through, because I would feel bad. If I reject the opportunity, I'll feel guilty. If I take it, I'll feel guilty. I can never win. Which is stupid, because why on earth should I feel guilty or sad about that? I deserved it and fought for it, I should be proud. There will always be winners and losers because when you snooze you lose. There is always this tendency for me to look down on myself and subconsciously persuade myself that I am not good enough. Well, this is where my other Caliper trait came in: my assertiveness. It was below average and wasn't at the level I wished to achieve after years of working on it. With a combination of low assertiveness and high accommodation, it was the perfect recipe for low self-esteem.

Clearly, I still have a long way to go. But I have made progress for sure. The me years ago would be very uncomfortable talking to a crowd, hesitant to step up and I cared too much. Now, I'm making slow but steady progress. But I think I'm all too ready to propel myself towards the next stage: believing in myself, fighting for the things I want/believe in, learning to say no and not letting anyone make me feel inferior. I certainly don't live to constantly please others and be taken advantage of.

Ugh. This has to change because I'm so sick of all this.

* = The results of course do not define who I am and are not conclusive because the level of my traits can be moderated over time by practice.

Stockholm syndrome

Just gained a new perspective on Stockholm syndrome. I've always only applied SS in its original conception, where hostages develop strong positive attachments to their human captors. But I recently just realised during one of my intense overthinking sessions that metaphorically Stockholm syndrome can happen to anyone. Anyone can fall victim and be a 'hostage' to anything that keeps it 'captive'. Your captor could be something intangible like depression, your career... or something entirely physical like an emotionally-abusing friend/partner. It's so easy to be addicted to things that don't benefit you. What's important is realising what is keeping you captive and breaking those chains that tie you down.

At crossroads

I don't know what to do with my life. I really don't.

And I have to make a decision very soon.

Indecision. Noun, \ˌin-di-ˈsi-zhən\ A wavering between two or more possible courses of action.

I feel tired thinking and worrying about what I'm going to do in life. I know I'm not the only one. Every career has its pros and cons. And sometimes, interests and passions are put on the back burner as they are trumped by materialistic, physical factors e.g. money or academic qualifications. People tell me that I can change my job if I don't like what I'm doing. I wish I could do that. I applaud those who could and did. I really do, then I could just go into one of the courses and if I don't like it I just pack my stuff and go for the next one. They say it like it's so easy to do it.

I don't want to waste money. I don't come from a rich family, and to provide the financial means for my studies, my parents have to forego and sacrifice opportunities plus their time and effort by working extra hard. I don't want to make it any more troublesome for them than it already is. I'm blessed and thankful to have parents who are not forcing me to do things I don't want to do. Yes, they occasionally drop hints here and there, but they are allowing me to pursue my dream. I have friends whose parents aren't supportive at all of what they really desire to do in life and craft their own path for him. My parents may not be very enthusiastic, but at least they're not complaining heh. But the thing is, I don't know what my dream is.

Medicine. Dentistry. Pharmacy. Biomedical science. Those are the things that have been circling in my brain, more often that not for the past month. What do I want to do? Do I really want to look at people's teeth and mouth all day? Do I really want to stay in a lab the whole day with bacteria or the periodic table as my best friends? Honest answer: No. Answer with some more thinking and compromises: Yes. In one way or another, whatever we do in our daily lives require compromise. You can't escape it. And I'm thinking, if I compromise with myself and let go of my inhibitions, maybe I might grow to enjoy it. Scale new heights. Who knows.
I can rule out everything that is Maths-heavy because no way am I doing Maths my whole life. NO WAY. I would despise a life like that and just be digging my own grave. Besides, I'm no good in Maths. To obtain results I was okay with, I had to study like crazy. I had to do Maths every single day. I tried that, and I didn't like it at all. Maths, to me, is like kryptonite to Superman. Ha, I may be exaggerating but that's how I feel!

Most of the time, I'm not sure what I want... is what I really want, if you get what I mean. Is my heart just going with the flow as my brain is? Sometimes I think I'm on auto-pilot. I don't know. I think it's what I want. But is it? It's like there's another layer of what I'm thinking which reveals what I really really want. Mindception.

I don't see me doing any other stuff as a career in my life. I've been joining clubs and societies (that I'm interested in) and trying to get posts and do things that might add pages to my application to make them it look more appealing. I've been doing that since forever. I also do that in primary and secondary school. Trying my best. Participating in activities. Being involved. It's automatic. Sometimes I think I do it on auto-pilot, y'know.

Yes, art and music have a dear place in my heart in a way of its own. But it's not something I'd consider as a career. I hated drawing and colouring. I hated doing music theory during my piano lessons. That was a red light signal that art or music isn't something I'd like to do my whole life. As a hobby, sure... playing instruments, listening to music and making artsy fanart are my hobbies.

But with science or technology, it's different. I enjoyed learning about science. I find it fascinating. Of course it can get boring sometimes I have to admit, but they have their moments. Especially Biology omg, it's intriguing. I am amazed at how intricate and meticulous our God is when it comes to creation. How He can think of ways to make stuff like that... mind-blowing sometimes. Biology has to be my favourite subject, although it is not the subject I'm doing best in. In fact, among the 3 sciences, Biology was always my weakness. And if you know me, I love technology. I proclaim myself as a techno geek

Another thing I have to worry about is my horrible, horrible memory. God knows how I got As for my SPM when almost everyday I leave something I need at home even though I specifically told myself to get it the day before. I'm serious, I am expecting myself to end up having dementia or Alzheimer's when I grow old because it feels like I'm already having it now! How the hell am I going to do any of those jobs I just mentioned if I have horrible memory? I have to memorize tons and tons of facts and read the thickest books. If you know job zones, medicine/dentistry is one of the careers where you require the most intensive preparation/studying. I know myself. I'm not very disciplined when it comes to studying. Procrastination is a feat of mine. Well I will have to banish this feat of mine if I were to do whatever I want to do. Easier said than done though.

I understand the consequences and many disadvantages that comes with studying medicine/dentistry. I will have to dedicate all my time and give my all. Being lazy and procrastinating can no longer be an option. I've been reading people's experiences and opinions online and trust me, they're not pretty. But why do I still feel like I want to do it? I don't want to regret it and one day feel so depressed and drop out of the course because I can't take it anymore

Contrary to your opinions regarding myself and my hobby of watching TV shows and specifically Grey's Anatomy, I am not influenced by medical shows. Heck, if GA is influencing me on anything, it's how beautiful my fictional aspirational couple, Cristina and Owen's love story is and how much they have gone through and how the showrunner is giving us fans the very opposite of what we want to see and how their forever angsty relationship is falling apart and.... and how my unhealthy obsession needs to be toned down haha. Yeah obsessing over my favourite fictional couple, THAT I'm good at. If they had a job for that, I'd totally excel.

What I KNOW, is if I had the chance and the money, I would love to study overseas. No, not in Indonesia or Singapore... but in the UK or the US. US is an unrealistic dream with what I want to study I know, but UK is still available, although chances of that are extremely slim anyways. I am infected by wanderlust: a strong desire to travel. I would love to visit the Eiffel tower or the Arc de Triomph, walk around the Colosseum in Rome, inhale the fresh air of the Scottish highlands, watch a play at the West End and swim in the seas of the Carribean. Le sigh. May God help me.
Maybe I should just dig my nose and drink stuff all day on the the couch like this guy huh:
He knows what he's doing.

Chatting with my mum

An online conversation with my mum at 1+ AM lol
We were in the same room xD

Message about Global warming.

With music ;)

Funny stuff.

Tumblr is an awesome place to find great photos and memes.

And there has been a lot of negativity here in my blog, so I decided to post these to boost and promote positivity! :D

I got these from Tumblr:
























There's more where that came from :) (Next time)

Most of them are accompanied with and consists of a lot of GIFs so I can't post them here.

AND I just realized my online nickname - earth2eternity - which is from Hosanna's Hillsong is INCORRECT & INACCURATE. As in, I thought the last line of the bridge was "As I walk from earth into eternity" (which is where the nickname was derived from) but I just realized it's "As I walk from NOTHING to eternity". (I made this nickname when the song first came out which was pretty long ago, 2007!!). LOL.

Something for the nerds.

I found this quite funny...



I'll start on my Chemistry post after the exam :)

English pronunciation test

Apparently, if you can pronounce correctly every word in the following poem, you will be speaking English better than 90% of the native English speakers in the world. After trying the verses, a Frenchman said he'd prefer six months of hard labour to reading six lines aloud. Try them yourself.

Click here for THE POEM

Here's an excerpt of the poem:

Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.

And I just realized... I have been spelling "pronunciation" incorrectly all my life. I spelled it as "pronounciation" with that extra 'o'. Interesting.

Twitter!

I was typing more than 140 characters without noticing... and Twitter told me this:


Ouch, I didn't know Twitter was so mean and sarcastic :(

The sausage stealer.

Christopher Chan is a sausage stealer.

I was eating my sausage sandwich for lunch which I brought to school today, but didn't manage to eat it because I forgot that I brought it o.O
Yeah anyways, I was almost done eating and then my brother appeared.

*Conversation is slightly edited (Just the grammar. The content remains the same)

Christopher: Hey! What is that?
Carmen: The sausage bread I brought to school today but didn't eat.
Christopher: Why is yours different? Not fair! Mine is another type, this is chicken sausage... can I try?
Carmen: Yeah, take ONE sausage. <--- (See how good a sister I am?)
Christopher: [Eats the sausage] Eh wait, it's the same. *BIG SMIRK WHICH REVEALS THAT HE WAS LYING SO THAT HE COULD STEAL MY SAUSAGE*

How dare he.

P/S: The Glee post is gonna be delayed. Still searching for good pictures.

Life is like a game of baseball.

Life is like a game of baseball. You are the ball, while the batter is the obstacles and challenges in life. You'll probably be able to guess who the owner is.

The game has just started. You think you're invincible, the players are probably just a bunch of amateur baseball players. They won't be able to hit you.
The pitcher throws a fastball and the batter swung too late. "STRIKE 1!"
The batter swung his bat too early this time. "STRIKE 2!"
This time, the batter squares his shoulders before his stands in position. The pitcher throws you with all his might. Unexpectedly, the batter hits you, the swing sends you across, and then out of the field. It's a home run. The spectators cheer at the successful hit.

You on the other hand, land at a cold, dark, lonely alley. You're at the corner of the dumpster, feeling abandoned, wondering how the heck the batter could have hit you, you were totally caught off guard. "I'm never gonna get back in the game", you think. You can't move, you can't roll or bounce your way back, you are immobile. You feel as if there is nothing you can do, you feel useless and hopeless.

However, not long after, someone walks into the alley. It's your owner! He rummages through the dumpster although it smells fetid and VERY unpleasant.

You feel a surge of joy and hope.

He stops rummaging and catches sight of you. "There you are!" He exclaims and then picks you up. He brushes off the dirt on you and smiles - He's glad that He has found you. You may be a bit filthy and wet from the puddle of water you just bounced in and the dirty path you travelled, but you are not severely damaged or broken to the point where you're unmendable. He holds you tight in His hand, never letting you go. You can sense the warmth in his clutch from the body heat emitted, you feel safe and comfortable.
As He walks back to the field, He tosses you in the air a bit but He catches you everytime. He does not toss you too high so that you don't bounce off into darkness and oblivion.

And before you know it, you're back in the game, ready for another swing of the bat. This time, you do not underestimate the batter. You may even feel a bit fearful and worried. "Will the batter hit me so hard, I may be lost forever?"
Then you remind yourself, that your owner will surely pick you up again... everytime you get hit out of the field until the long game finally ends... where you'll be kept in His home. No, not locked away in a drawer or hid under the bed where light can't reach you and you will be engulfed in darkness and probably forgotten. Far from that.

Instead, you will be seated on the top of the drawer where He can see you. You look around the place you are at. It's cozy and peaceful. You are far away from the reality of the game and there are no more cruel batters in sight. No more being hit, no more being dirty, no more spectators who cheer and clap because you were hit.
You are definitely in a better place. He's so proud of you, you're His prized possession.

How to fail a test with dignity #1

My dad received this chain forwarded e-mail on the 'unusual' (VERY unusual :P) answers of students to certain questions in their exams.

ROFL.

Don't know whether it's true, or made up... either-way, it's funny. Most of the answers are very =.="

Answers in bold italic.

What was Sir Walter Raleigh famous for?
He is a noted figure in history because he invented cigarettes and started a craze for bicycles.

What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
Unusual names.

Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
Learning to speak Latin.

Name six animals which live specifically in the Artic.
Two polar bears and four seals

Name the wife of Orpheus, whom he attempted to save from the underworld.
Mrs. Orpheus

Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.

What happens during puberty to a boy?
He says goodbye to his childhood and enters adultery.

What is the meaning of the word, 'varicose'?
Close by

What is the highest frequency noise that a human can register?
Mariah Carey.

Joanna works in an office. Her computer is a stand-alone system. What is a stand-alone computer system?
It doesn't come with a chair.

Where was Hadrian's Wall built?
Around Hadrian's garden

The race of people known as Malays come from which country?
Malaria.

Currently watching...

The ones I'm currently hooked on to now is Glee, Grey's Anatomy, House and Modern Family :)! They're all really good shows, always keep me wanting more after each episode.
However, there are other great shows which I am not hooked on to YET because I haven't really fully watched them. But, I'm looking forward to getting hooked soon ;)

Warning: Image-heavy! A lot of pictures here.

*Click on the pictures for bigger view

The Big Bang Theory

I know lah, once you K pop fans saw 'Big bang' you probably immediately thought of the Korean boy band 'Big Bang', right ;)?
Anyways, it's a funny funny show. And the best thing is, you actually CAN learn a thing or two from watching TV (by watching this show). So if you're watching The Big Bang Theory, the next time your mum tells you to stop watching TV/playing the computer, tell her you're watching a semi-educational TV show. No guarantees! And don't tell her I said that.
Do you know what 'the Doppler effect' is? No? Well me too, until I watched BBT! Well I don't exactly understand it, but I know it :D

Fave(s):

Sheldon Cooper. He's kinda insensitive and always barking sarcastic bombastic remarks at everyone (especially Penny which most of the time she doesn't understand). He is hilarious. He's always bickering with Leslie Winkle and their conversations are funny!


Howard Wolowitz is this hamsap (but smart) freak XD He kinda reminds me of Barney from How I Met Your Mother.

Off-screen pics! Okay, the 2nd one is very disturbing, but funny.


Glee

I don't think anyone ever hates Glee (except for Christopher. But he's just saying that because he tries to diss and mock everything I like). It's similar to Grease and HSM. Ooh, but I love the variety of songs they sing! From oldies to rock to ballads... and oh boy, the cast can really sing! Glee is so lucky to have such talented actors/singers. Amazing!
It seems like everyone LOVES Glee. But I kinda admit, it's a bit too over-hyped. It's everywhere! In the radio, on TV (well, duh), in magazines etc... Glee is SO huge, they have Glee flash mobs around the world and Glee concert world tours o.O Wow.

Fave(s):

Well I didn't really like the pre-pregnant Quinn Fabray, I'm liking the currently-pregnant Quinn. She's softer and more gentle. I pitied her when I watched "Bad Reputation"
She stands out from everyone, in my opinion. But I find it a bit unrealistic for her to dance and jump around PREGNANT XD

Who doesn't like Kurt Hummel? He's an underdog with an incredible voice! He performs like a Broadway singer. The emotions, the expressions, the body language... he's really good.

Brittany is one of my faves too. Although she can be a bit naive and dumb (sorry, I can't find another word to replace dumb) sometimes, but she's a great dancer. I always like to watch her dance!

Grey's Anatomy


I like this show on and off. I loved Season 1, hated Season 2, Season 3 was okay, hated Season 4, love Season 5, and lastly I loved and hated Season 6 at the same time. Season 6 finale was the best finale ever though! Wrote about it here.

Season 6 finale recap fanvids on Youtube. I had a tear at the edge of my eye when I finished watching these :')
HERE and HERE

Fave(s):

Cristina and Owen! They're both my favourite characters and favourite couple.

Cristina Yang can be offensive and insensitive most of the time sometimes, but that just makes her so much more enjoyable to watch. She's hardcore and also has a good sense of humour when it comes to sarcasm. (She's like Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory)
Owen Hunt suffers from PTSD (search that up on google yourself), but he's seeking therapy and is getting better. However, he's an awesome, badass (thus, the general nickname, McBadass) trauma attending. He's a bit audacious sometimes. But he seems like the sweetest guy ever when he's around Cristina.
Arizona Robbins always reminds me of Izzie, but in a less annoying way. She’s a youthful, bubbly, perky pediatrics attending! You can say that she’s like a breath of fresh air in SGH. I don’t think there’s anything I don’t like about her (yet)! And I love Arizona+Callie together too.

Other than them, I like Bailey, George, Meredith, Derek (Patrick Dempsey in real life is such a comedian), Callie, Lexie and Mark (only sometimes). Almost all the characters are pretty likable! So I pretty much like almost all of them (except Burke, Hahn and the Mercy West-ers).
All in all, I'm definitely looking forward to Season 7 in September! Bring it on, Shonda. So many things in my Season 7 wishlist right now.. xD

[Ok... I'm getting very tired so I'm gonna cut down on the description of characters and series...]

Gossip Girl


Fave(s):

Dan Humphrey and Serena Van der Woodsen :) Favourite couple and characters!


How I Met Your Mother

And another great comedy (I love comedies)!

Fave(s):


Robin! Lol, this picture was her when she was a famous Canadian pop star. "Let's go to the mall" :P


Barney Stinson. As I have said, Barney reminds me of Howard from The Big Bang Theory. Hamsap womanizer :P

House

Another thrilling medical series!

Fave(s):

I watch House for House!

Modern Family

Most favourite comedy show ever! :D

Fave(s):

Phil Dunphy. This dude is seriously hilarious. He tries to be a good, 'cool' father to his kids which makes him very funny to watch.


Manny Delgado. The highly mature, smart, little know-it-all XD He acts like a mature adult and gives advice to adults.

Pushing Daisies

Aww, the show only lasted for 2 seasons :'( It was a good (but weird) show! It has a very interesting storyline and I like watching series involving solving mysterious cases. It's really too bad they cut the show off. Argh!

Fave(s):

Olive Snook. Once again, another hilarious character. She has a little crush on Ned :P Sometimes she sings in the show, which is a real treat for the audience because Kristin Chenoweth is a really good singer.


Charlotte "Chuck" Charles. She's really sweet. Ned and her make a nice pair!

So there you go! A lot huh?
I'm currently into American series because the current Asian series aren't attracting me right now. Maybe except for The Mysteries of Love (featuring FungYi)!

Picture credits to www & In The After@LJ