Oops I Did It Again

Monday, November 23, 2015

Remember my earlier post about not giving in to other people and my revelation about focusing on my own wants and needs? That was when I finally realized that I can't continue doing shit for people who don't care and who won't do the same for me anymore. Over the past few months when the situation arises, I have been actively assessing and analyzing what I should do in situations that require me to be assertive.

Very recently, I took the Caliper test and the results further confirmed that I was the kind of person to give in to others and have a need to be liked*. My accommodating trait was sky high! Which wasn't a good thing, because at some point, you accommodate people so much that you start to forget yourself. You lose yourself in the process. And that has happened one time too many. I need to set healthy boundaries of which extent I'm willing to accommodate to other people, and when I will say enough is enough.

I regressed and it happened again a few days ago on a larger scale when I strongly convinced myself to give my opportunity away to someone else who may do better than me and be okay with it. I willingly made the choice for the both of us and offered my own chance to her. In the end, it was all for (call it whatever you want but I'm going to call it...) drama and the want for heightened emotions, as all of us got the opportunity we wanted. At that time I was operating in mode "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". She was my friend, who I expected at least an acknowledgment from after the whole debacle. But she didn't say anything, and probably treated the situation as if nothing happened. After that, something just clicked within me and I thought, not everyone has the same heart as me. Not everyone will fall on their own sword for me. That's reality and a fact of life. You can't expect others to do the same for you. And I didn't give away my opportunity to please others, it all boiled down to friendship. What I've learned from that is: when it comes to things that truly matter and benefit me, I need to fight for it regardless of sentiment or friendship. I almost subconsciously let someone else take what I deserved away from me.

There has to come a time when you just have to be a little selfish. I don't know if I could've lived with myself if I was selected and that person didn't get through, because I would feel bad. If I reject the opportunity, I'll feel guilty. If I take it, I'll feel guilty. I can never win. Which is stupid, because why on earth should I feel guilty or sad about that? I deserved it and fought for it, I should be proud. There will always be winners and losers because when you snooze you lose. There is always this tendency for me to look down on myself and subconsciously persuade myself that I am not good enough. Well, this is where my other Caliper trait came in: my assertiveness. It was below average and wasn't at the level I wished to achieve after years of working on it. With a combination of low assertiveness and high accommodation, it was the perfect recipe for low self-esteem.

Clearly, I still have a long way to go. But I have made progress for sure. The me years ago would be very uncomfortable talking to a crowd, hesitant to step up and I cared too much. Now, I'm making slow but steady progress. But I think I'm all too ready to propel myself towards the next stage: believing in myself, fighting for the things I want/believe in, learning to say no and not letting anyone make me feel inferior. I certainly don't live to constantly please others and be taken advantage of.

Ugh. This has to change because I'm so sick of all this.

* = The results of course do not define who I am and are not conclusive because the level of my traits can be moderated over time by practice.

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