the painful post

Monday, September 9, 2013


That is one of the most fake pictures I have ever seen. NO ONE SMILES DURING A DENTAL CHECKUP. At least I don't.

I have an insane fear of going to the dentist. I think it all stemmed from that one time I went to the dentist around probably 5 years ago. He was removing a tooth, I think? He kept telling me the needle pain is very minimal and it will only be like an ant bite. Don't get me wrong, I am ALL for anesthetics. But well that huge syringe needle coming towards me tells me the pain will NOT be an ant bite. In fact, it was more than an ant bite. It really hurt!
Not only that, I remembered the government dentist coming to my primary school to check up on our teeth. He had scale my teeth. He did a sucky job. His plaque remover tool scraped my gums too often and caused my mouth to bleed more than normal. And plaque removal ALWAYS feels like it's tickling your teeth, in a bad painful way. Ugh. I can actually recall and feel it from describing the feeling of it. From then on, I never trusted dentists. That somehow also made me feel disgusted about the human oral area. I would even rather see intestines and organs than see your teeth and mouth. I'm pretty sure of it.

Also the last time I went to the dentist for a checkup, I think he told me I had several cavities. From what I assumed, cavity removal or tooth filling probably hurt. My agliophobia (fear of pain) started to build walls of dental fear for me in my mind. Since then, I never visited the dentist, even for regular checkups. I'm embarrassed to say it's been a long, longggggg time since I've been to one. Now, I'm wondering if it's time to step out of my comfort zone and break down the walls of my fear, because cavities left untreated can lead to severely painful consequences.

That is why at one point of my life, I didn't mind being a dentist although I disliked going to one. It was because I wanted to create a fun, stress-free space for people who are as afraid as me to visit the dentist, that could ease their fears. I find dental clinics way too sterile for my liking. I know it's suppose to be clean and hygienic... but you don't need to make the place look like a morgue.

(ETA: I went to the dentist! Not as bad as I thought it would be, but it still hurt at times. Phew, at least I got that over with. Now you see how crazy and worried I get over small things? I'm worried about getting worried lol)

(Disclaimer: This post was actually mainly about going to the dentist, but then my fingers and emotions couldn't stop themselves and it expanded to become a post about all the painful things I'm scared of and my ramblings about emotional pain. You can now stop reading thanks :D)

I'd rather go for a facial treatment (which is painful as hell btw) than go the dentist. That says a lot because if you have a bad skin condition like me and had to go for facials regularly, you would know how painful it is. People often have that misconception that facial sessions are relaxing and soothing. HELL NO. Let me help you wipe out that delusion of yours. We go for facials, not for the face massages or the face masks. It is mainly to pluck out the blackheads, whiteheads, pustules or whatever type of acne you have. The feeling is like someone is pushing against your skull as hard as possible to squeeze out the acne. Other times that someone is pinching your skin as hard as possible too. Don't even get me started about the painful tools they use. It. is. hella. painful. My skin is horrible, and it takes them about 3 hours to clear my face of acne. I make it a habit to tell them I am afraid of pain. Sometimes they even tell me they can't finish removing them all because I have so many, and some are not 'ripe' enough to be plucked out yet so I have to come back again.

It is also because of my agliophobia that I never learned how to ride a bike. Because learning how to ride bikes requires you to fall once in a while when trying to keep your balance on the bike. Unless the ground or surface is made out of pillows and blankets, I don't think I could muster up the courage to finally learn how to ride a bike. It is sad, because when I see people whizz away in their bikes with the wind gently caressing their face and hair and they look like they're having a good time, I wish I could ride one. Same goes with ice skating or roller blading. The fear might seem irrational because falling off a bike won't kill me, but that's how my brain works. Maybe one day I'll overcome that fear.

Now, not only am I afraid of physical pain, I am very afraid of emotional pain. I've gone through an excruciatingly painful phase of my life and am still in it. There is this one thing which I placed a lot of my hope in it, dedicated so much time on it, put in so much commitment into it... but the end result is fruitless. It was all for naught. I'm still not over it. That also made me feel that aversion towards nostalgia. I used to like the idea of nostalgia. Now, I hate thinking back to the good old days and the sweet memories we all had. I was so happy. I wish I could go back to the start, but clearly it is impossible.

It made me question a lot about life and how unfair it was. I'm dying a slow emotional death (melodramatic Carmen's in the house). I have definitely changed. I'm not as optimistic as I used to be. I tend to worry about everything a whole lot more now. I don't feel as motivated or energetic anymore. I feel fatigued physically, emotionally and mentally. I try to exercise more often these days partly to pump in more endorphins into my system, but that doesn't seem to help.

All in all, I'm afraid of everything from taking risks to going to the dentist. Once bitten, twice shy. I probably have self-esteem and anxiety issues. I'm going down the proverbial rabbit hole. However, I am trying my best to claw my way out of the darkness. Only time can help right now. It'll force me to accept the things I cannot change.

Also I really need to change my blog layout. D:

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