At crossroads

Friday, July 20, 2012

I don't know what to do with my life. I really don't.

And I have to make a decision very soon.

Indecision. Noun, \ˌin-di-ˈsi-zhən\ A wavering between two or more possible courses of action.

I feel tired thinking and worrying about what I'm going to do in life. I know I'm not the only one. Every career has its pros and cons. And sometimes, interests and passions are put on the back burner as they are trumped by materialistic, physical factors e.g. money or academic qualifications. People tell me that I can change my job if I don't like what I'm doing. I wish I could do that. I applaud those who could and did. I really do, then I could just go into one of the courses and if I don't like it I just pack my stuff and go for the next one. They say it like it's so easy to do it.

I don't want to waste money. I don't come from a rich family, and to provide the financial means for my studies, my parents have to forego and sacrifice opportunities plus their time and effort by working extra hard. I don't want to make it any more troublesome for them than it already is. I'm blessed and thankful to have parents who are not forcing me to do things I don't want to do. Yes, they occasionally drop hints here and there, but they are allowing me to pursue my dream. I have friends whose parents aren't supportive at all of what they really desire to do in life and craft their own path for him. My parents may not be very enthusiastic, but at least they're not complaining heh. But the thing is, I don't know what my dream is.

Medicine. Dentistry. Pharmacy. Biomedical science. Those are the things that have been circling in my brain, more often that not for the past month. What do I want to do? Do I really want to look at people's teeth and mouth all day? Do I really want to stay in a lab the whole day with bacteria or the periodic table as my best friends? Honest answer: No. Answer with some more thinking and compromises: Yes. In one way or another, whatever we do in our daily lives require compromise. You can't escape it. And I'm thinking, if I compromise with myself and let go of my inhibitions, maybe I might grow to enjoy it. Scale new heights. Who knows.
I can rule out everything that is Maths-heavy because no way am I doing Maths my whole life. NO WAY. I would despise a life like that and just be digging my own grave. Besides, I'm no good in Maths. To obtain results I was okay with, I had to study like crazy. I had to do Maths every single day. I tried that, and I didn't like it at all. Maths, to me, is like kryptonite to Superman. Ha, I may be exaggerating but that's how I feel! Photobucket

Most of the time, I'm not sure what I want... is what I really want, if you get what I mean. Is my heart just going with the flow as my brain is? Sometimes I think I'm on auto-pilot. I don't know. I think it's what I want. But is it? It's like there's another layer of what I'm thinking which reveals what I really really want. Mindception.

I don't see me doing any other stuff as a career in my life. I've been joining clubs and societies (that I'm interested in) and trying to get posts and do things that might add pages to my application to make them it look more appealing. I've been doing that since forever. I also do that in primary and secondary school. Trying my best. Participating in activities. Being involved. It's automatic. Sometimes I think I do it on auto-pilot, y'know.

Yes, art and music have a dear place in my heart in a way of its own. But it's not something I'd consider as a career. I hated drawing and colouring. I hated doing music theory during my piano lessons. That was a red light signal that art or music isn't something I'd like to do my whole life. As a hobby, sure... playing instruments, listening to music and making artsy fanart are my hobbies.

But with science or technology, it's different. I enjoyed learning about science. I find it fascinating. Of course it can get boring sometimes I have to admit, but they have their moments. Especially Biology omg, it's intriguing. I am amazed at how intricate and meticulous our God is when it comes to creation. How He can think of ways to make stuff like that... mind-blowing sometimes. Biology has to be my favourite subject, although it is not the subject I'm doing best in. In fact, among the 3 sciences, Biology was always my weakness. And if you know me, I love technology. I proclaim myself as a techno geek Photobucket

Another thing I have to worry about is my horrible, horrible memory. God knows how I got As for my SPM when almost everyday I leave something I need at home even though I specifically told myself to get it the day before. I'm serious, I am expecting myself to end up having dementia or Alzheimer's when I grow old because it feels like I'm already having it now! How the hell am I going to do any of those jobs I just mentioned if I have horrible memory? I have to memorize tons and tons of facts and read the thickest books. If you know job zones, medicine/dentistry is one of the careers where you require the most intensive preparation/studying. I know myself. I'm not very disciplined when it comes to studying. Procrastination is a feat of mine. Well I will have to banish this feat of mine if I were to do whatever I want to do. Easier said than done though.

I understand the consequences and many disadvantages that comes with studying medicine/dentistry. I will have to dedicate all my time and give my all. Being lazy and procrastinating can no longer be an option. I've been reading people's experiences and opinions online and trust me, they're not pretty. But why do I still feel like I want to do it? I don't want to regret it and one day feel so depressed and drop out of the course because I can't take it anymore Photobucket

Contrary to your opinions regarding myself and my hobby of watching TV shows and specifically Grey's Anatomy, I am not influenced by medical shows. Heck, if GA is influencing me on anything, it's how beautiful my fictional aspirational couple, Cristina and Owen's love story is and how much they have gone through and how the showrunner is giving us fans the very opposite of what we want to see and how their forever angsty relationship is falling apart and.... and how my unhealthy obsession needs to be toned down haha. Yeah obsessing over my favourite fictional couple, THAT I'm good at. If they had a job for that, I'd totally excel.

What I KNOW, is if I had the chance and the money, I would love to study overseas. No, not in Indonesia or Singapore... but in the UK or the US. US is an unrealistic dream with what I want to study I know, but UK is still available, although chances of that are extremely slim anyways. I am infected by wanderlust: a strong desire to travel. I would love to visit the Eiffel tower or the Arc de Triomph, walk around the Colosseum in Rome, inhale the fresh air of the Scottish highlands, watch a play at the West End and swim in the seas of the Carribean. Le sigh. May God help me.
Maybe I should just dig my nose and drink stuff all day on the the couch like this guy huh: Photobucket
He knows what he's doing.

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