Do not feed the fears

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Okay, I'm done sulking (mainly because I'm out of tears and my eyes are too tired to cry anymore). Who says I still can't channel my love for science in whatever I'll be doing in the future somehow? Who says I still can't migrate to the US one day? Maybe I'll like Australia. Well, that's all in God's hands now. I wish I could look into my future and see if I'm doing the right thing (who wouldn't). Besides, my mum is usually always right anyways.

Thank you all for your encouragement!

In a state of indifference

Yeah I don't really care anymore.

I've chosen to do business. Or more of I'm so freaking sick of having to choose what to do, and having my parents nag and doubt my decision, that I've chosen to take the easier route. I never really understood how people choose to not give a shit. I mean how can you. But now I understand the feeling, because I also don't give a shit anymore. I've broke down too many times over this, and my biggest breakdown was just an hour ago, and I just want to get my life over with.

I won't get to do the thing I wanted to do in life, which is essentially to save lives in some medical way. First, I thought medicine was good. I liked to study what the human body does, but I was afraid of not being able to cope with the stress. I know myself, I'm not being a coward, I'm being realistic. Also (no offense) but the amount of doctors here are oversaturated which leads to it being too competitive and job opportunities will be less. That was a big factor in me turning down medicine. So okay, maybe I can choose something else which doesn't require me to become a doctor in the end but still, about similar stuff and the same goal. So I chose biomedical engineering. I was concerned because... well I don't fancy Math all that much. I'm also not that good in it. But you get to build a heart from a stem cell from scratch, create lab-grown kidneys and make artificial ovaries! You also get to design/build the machine they use in the hospitals. All that, is pretty much what I want to do too.

Also, I would love to study in the US. I know it's not going to be as great as what I think of it in my head, but I've always wanted to migrate to the US at some point of my life. That was like my life goal, right behind travelling around the world. The biomedical engineering industry is booming in the US too. Perfect! My parents let me sit for SAT and go for ADP classes. Everything was sort of according to plan.

But then things got ugly. My parents started planting seeds of doubt in my head. It's frustrating. They also told me to ask around about the US universities, which I did. I created an imagination of myself living there, already planning out my life based on that fantasy. Then of course, my parents enquired about the business degree for me, and even printed out information and brochures for me, telling me to do business instead. After telling me I could study in the US. After giving me false hope after false hope. That was the last straw. My anger reared its ugly head. I just don't care anymore. I can't stand it. I chose business. Whatever. Maybe I'm not meant to do what I want to. Considering I've never done any form of the art stream subjects like economics or accounting, they want me to do it anyway. I've practically wasted my whole life studying pure science. Working my ass off to get good grades for science subjects, and having to strip away my want to contribute to the world in terms of science.

They even already have a plan in mind for me to study and work in Australia.

I feel like someone has died. Except that someone is a something. My dream. And I mourn for the loss of something so precious.

Just whatever. I am devastated, but I no longer care. FML.


Tuesday, August 20, 2013

No, not the show Lost!

ME. I'm lost. I've never felt so lost in my life. And that would be appropriate, because I am at the stage of my life where I'm standing at the crossroads.

The dilemma is, should I leave the comfort of familiarity and convenience, for the unknown? I have everything I essentially need here. My family and friends are here. I have a shelter, sufficient food and money (my parent's, actually) here. I don't need a reason to leave. Except, that never-ending, nagging want in the back of my head to be independent, go for the adventure and leave my comfort zone. To go for the easy route, or to for the hard one...

I'm at the point of feeling so lost and indecisive, that I (want to) cry almost everyday. I'm so sick of having to choose what to do with my life. I have that overwhelming feeling that every choice I make, will affect either my happiness, or my parents' happiness. I don't know whose happiness to sacrifice for a better future. If I do something I might not like, I'll feel uncomfortable and shitty for the rest of my life, but save a lot of money for my parents and save time for myself. If I do something that I'll potentially like, but it's going to be very very difficult, I'm wasting time and my parents will have to spend all their savings on me, so I know I'll feel horrible for the rest of my life. So, they both end in me feeling shitty. Except if I do well in what I want to do, or if I actually learn to like what I might not like. But it's all so uncertain. YOU SEE MY PROBLEM!?

The freedom of choice can sometimes be a burden more than it is a right. I am those kind of people who when it comes to making a choice, we overthink. Our mind jumps to all sorts of conclusions, all the different ways it could go wrong if I chose one and not the other. Why can't we just pick one and go with the flow? I guess we just don't want to make the wrong decisions and have to face the consequences of it.

I am so afraid of my future. I am so afraid of failure and disappointment. I am so afraid 5 years from now, I'll regret what I'm doing. I know that, mistakes are how we learn. But I can't afford to make a mistake. I don't have a second chance, really. The deadline is near. I literally feel like pulling my hair out.


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