In a state of indifference

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Yeah I don't really care anymore.

I've chosen to do business. Or more of I'm so freaking sick of having to choose what to do, and having my parents nag and doubt my decision, that I've chosen to take the easier route. I never really understood how people choose to not give a shit. I mean how can you. But now I understand the feeling, because I also don't give a shit anymore. I've broke down too many times over this, and my biggest breakdown was just an hour ago, and I just want to get my life over with.

I won't get to do the thing I wanted to do in life, which is essentially to save lives in some medical way. First, I thought medicine was good. I liked to study what the human body does, but I was afraid of not being able to cope with the stress. I know myself, I'm not being a coward, I'm being realistic. Also (no offense) but the amount of doctors here are oversaturated which leads to it being too competitive and job opportunities will be less. That was a big factor in me turning down medicine. So okay, maybe I can choose something else which doesn't require me to become a doctor in the end but still, about similar stuff and the same goal. So I chose biomedical engineering. I was concerned because... well I don't fancy Math all that much. I'm also not that good in it. But you get to build a heart from a stem cell from scratch, create lab-grown kidneys and make artificial ovaries! You also get to design/build the machine they use in the hospitals. All that, is pretty much what I want to do too.

Also, I would love to study in the US. I know it's not going to be as great as what I think of it in my head, but I've always wanted to migrate to the US at some point of my life. That was like my life goal, right behind travelling around the world. The biomedical engineering industry is booming in the US too. Perfect! My parents let me sit for SAT and go for ADP classes. Everything was sort of according to plan.

But then things got ugly. My parents started planting seeds of doubt in my head. It's frustrating. They also told me to ask around about the US universities, which I did. I created an imagination of myself living there, already planning out my life based on that fantasy. Then of course, my parents enquired about the business degree for me, and even printed out information and brochures for me, telling me to do business instead. After telling me I could study in the US. After giving me false hope after false hope. That was the last straw. My anger reared its ugly head. I just don't care anymore. I can't stand it. I chose business. Whatever. Maybe I'm not meant to do what I want to. Considering I've never done any form of the art stream subjects like economics or accounting, they want me to do it anyway. I've practically wasted my whole life studying pure science. Working my ass off to get good grades for science subjects, and having to strip away my want to contribute to the world in terms of science.

They even already have a plan in mind for me to study and work in Australia.

I feel like someone has died. Except that someone is a something. My dream. And I mourn for the loss of something so precious.

Just whatever. I am devastated, but I no longer care. FML.


  1. Just relax Carmen. There's no way we'll ever know the future for certain (unless you're God) and that's what this life is all about. To depend on Him instead of yourself for guidance because if we felt like we knew everything in life, then we would start to mock Him and feel that He is not needed in our lives.

    Step one is to pray. Of course you can't expect a voice from heaven to tell you what to do, but at least you will feel comforted that the next step which you take is one that He has allowed you to do. Next is to ask for guidance - parents, older people. Ask around. Just because you did science subjects does not mean you can't work in a business field. Ashley did it. She graduated from engineering and is now in finance/business world and doing super well.

    no such thing as wasted years. All in God's plan, all in God's plan.

  2. @Lydia, I know, and I have. Thanks.


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