What if?

Friday, April 18, 2014

As a worrier, I always ask myself an unneccessary but nagging question, "What if?" What if I did that? What if I didn't do this? And a specific question has been plaguing me ever since I made a decision to study business, "What if I pursued medicine?"

Some of you might know that I originally planned to study medicine. And no, it's not because of Grey's Anatomy as all of you will probably think LOL. It all started at a school concert. There was a dance performance, and someone tripped on microphone wires and fell. He broke his leg and it was a pretty dramatic scene. The red crescent society (PBSM) team went up to help him. I on the other hand, stood helplessly at the side. And I thought in that moment, wow I would really like to be able to help people and save lives. Other than that, I was walking around the school, doing my rounds and duty as a prefect. Someone fell and injured their knee. So I brought her to the office, applied antiseptic and all the stuff you're supposed to do when you injure your knee and I won't go into specifics. I felt very good about it, you know? That I got to help that person feel better physically (and emotionally in a way). Also as an ENFJ (from the Myer-Briggs type indicator), I think I would like the part where you get to communicate and interact with patients.  I would've loved that satisfaction of healing people.

Besides that I also love Biology and the human anatomy. It was fascinating to know what your body is made up of, its defense mechanisms and everything it does to keep you alive. It's mind-blowing really. These were the 2 of the things that made me want to study medicine and become a doctor. Not for the ability and right to say "Trust me, I'm a doctor" ;)

However, the time taken to become one and the corruptness of higher authorities got me thinking twice. If I were to be honest though, the main reason was because I thought I wasn't studious or smart enough to become a doctor. I'm generally lazy and unmotivated. I procrastinate ALL the time. I have the worst memory ever, not to mention, it's very short-termed. How did I expect myself to learn the books stacked upon books of medical terms? It's not traits a medical student would want at all. It would be my downfall if I ever did medicine. I knew myself. I knew that being a doctor takes SO much effort. I personally thought I couldn't do it. I didn't want to fail. There and then, my hopes of becoming a doctor were dashed.

What if I did it though? Would I have survived the academic onslaught of medical school? Would I have failed trying to input all that glorious but outrageous amount of information in my small brain? It bugs me all the time. And I don't think it'll ever stop bugging me until I am genuinely content with this current path I'm taking, which I honestly am not.

In times like these, I really wish I was a time traveller and could travel to the future to see if I did the right thing for myself and my life. And if I didn't, I would change things.

But it's okay. I'll get through this. I'll survive, right?

My first MUN experience

Friday, April 4, 2014

Yup, I joined a Model United Nations conference.

Shy ol' me. I'm pretty proud of myself lol.

So, 3 days before the HELP MUN conference, I felt regret. Why did I even join this?! At that point, I only knew 1% about the country I was delegated to, which was Bolivia. What's worse is I only knew 3% of what MUN was about and what happened during MUNs. Sounds like a bad idea huh.

1 day before the conference, tried to jam into my brain whatever information about Bolivia I could find on the internet because I was too lazy to do it before (typical Carmen to do things at the last minute). Even printed out the whole Wikipedia article about Bolivia in case someone decided to ask me weird questions I don't have the answers to in my brain.

Day 1 of MUN

I was dreading this day. Not mainly because of MUN, it was because of something else, but MUN was the spoiled cherry on top of the messed up cake.

When I reached HELP, the lobby was filled with unknown faces. I studied at HELP yes, but I felt like the stranger among the throng of people who looked like they've made HELP their home (for the next 3 days at least). Felt a little uneasy, because none of the people I know (other than the organizers themselves) participated or is even slightly interested in the idea of joining MUN. Fml.

I always feel awkward when I'm alone in a crowd of peers, and feel the need to make friends. I'm not even an extrovert! The first 2 friends I made were from the matriculation course and IT department in HELP. Other HELP-ers, yay (I was starting to think I was the only one). Collected my tag, which I always thought looked cool and professional when someone wore it. Now, I get to have my own, how exciting.

I also introduced myself and made a few more acquaintances during the opening ceremony. Met quite a number of people until I forgot their names 20 minutes after I met them. Sorry, I blame my short-term memory loss? For their sake and mine, I hope they never read this.

We were then separated to our different venues depending on our councils. Oh no, that means I have to make new NEW friends. Anyways, I was assigned ECOSOC - the Economic and Social Council. I thought since I was taking an economics subject in uni, maybe I could learn a thing or two from here or inject some economic terms here and there to make me sound or look smart. The questions/issues posed were of enhancing narcotic security at borders of certain countries and implementing renewable energy solutions.

It started with roll call, and then... the opening speeches. And in typical Carmen fashion, I didn't know I had to make one and was not informed of this until like an hour before the conference started by one of my new friends. Luckily, I read up on my stance on the issues the night before and that was what I was suppose to talk about. The speeches were suppose to be only a minute or two. I can do this. RIGHT?!

I hoped that they wouldn't call me to make my speech so early because I honestly didn't know what to say. Everything here has protocol and a certain format, and I don't know what I'm suppose to be doing! Of course, my hope was futile. After a few speeches, they called my country out. They weren't even calling countries out in alphabetical order.

The funniest, unlucky, badly-timed and unfortunate thing happened: My laptop which contained what I was going to say, turned off by itself. A little backstory here... my (new) laptop had a battery problem, at least that's what I deduced it to be. My battery at the bottom of my laptop is loose, and if I lift my laptop and place it down, there is a 60% chance the battery will move and my laptop will shut down unintentionally. That 60% chance presented itself during my way up the podium. I put my laptop down on the podium and realized the screen was black. Why do these things always have to happen to me? So, I gave an impromptu speech. Wasn't very smooth because I was trying to come up with stuff to say and let out a lot of 'um's and stutters. Oh well, it could've gone worse like I could have tripped on the way up and fall flat on my face. Small blessings, right?

We were then asked to make resolutions for either of the issues they've given us: narcotic security and renewable energy solutions. My new friend, Jing and I decided to go with narcotic security and joined a group of people who were far more experienced than me in the world of MUN. Okay, so Jing (who is - no surprise - younger than me like how everyone else is) is a sweetheart, but she can be pretty badass and eloquent in debate if she wants to. I've learned that during the course of our 3-day friendship lol. Anyways, the experienced ones took charge immediately, coming up with the resolution's format and firing suggestions. I gave feedback and tried to insinuate myself into the group as much as possible, not wanting to look like the useless one. We were given time to prepare and finish our resolutions at home, so we can present it in the following 2 days.

So that's my first, eventful day of HELP MUN. If anyone were to ask me if they should join MUN, I would straight up tell them: yes! I learned a lot and was exposed to a whole different ball game I wasn't aware of. It made reality outside MUN a little mundane and insignificant. I felt like I was making a difference and changing the world for the better, even if it was just a simulation.

More about Day 2 and 3 soon!

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