What if?

As a worrier, I always ask myself an unneccessary but nagging question, "What if?" What if I did that? What if I didn't do this? And a specific question has been plaguing me ever since I made a decision to study business, "What if I pursued medicine?"

Some of you might know that I originally planned to study medicine. And no, it's not because of Grey's Anatomy as all of you will probably think LOL. It all started at a school concert. There was a dance performance, and someone tripped on microphone wires and fell. He broke his leg and it was a pretty dramatic scene. The red crescent society (PBSM) team went up to help him. I on the other hand, stood helplessly at the side. And I thought in that moment, wow I would really like to be able to help people and save lives. Other than that, I was walking around the school, doing my rounds and duty as a prefect. Someone fell and injured their knee. So I brought her to the office, applied antiseptic and all the stuff you're supposed to do when you injure your knee and I won't go into specifics. I felt very good about it, you know? That I got to help that person feel better physically (and emotionally in a way). Also as an ENFJ (from the Myer-Briggs type indicator), I think I would like the part where you get to communicate and interact with patients.  I would've loved that satisfaction of healing people.

Besides that I also love Biology and the human anatomy. It was fascinating to know what your body is made up of, its defense mechanisms and everything it does to keep you alive. It's mind-blowing really. These were the 2 of the things that made me want to study medicine and become a doctor. Not for the ability and right to say "Trust me, I'm a doctor" ;)

However, the time taken to become one and the corruptness of higher authorities got me thinking twice. If I were to be honest though, the main reason was because I thought I wasn't studious or smart enough to become a doctor. I'm generally lazy and unmotivated. I procrastinate ALL the time. I have the worst memory ever, not to mention, it's very short-termed. How did I expect myself to learn the books stacked upon books of medical terms? It's not traits a medical student would want at all. It would be my downfall if I ever did medicine. I knew myself. I knew that being a doctor takes SO much effort. I personally thought I couldn't do it. I didn't want to fail. There and then, my hopes of becoming a doctor were dashed.

What if I did it though? Would I have survived the academic onslaught of medical school? Would I have failed trying to input all that glorious but outrageous amount of information in my small brain? It bugs me all the time. And I don't think it'll ever stop bugging me until I am genuinely content with this current path I'm taking, which I honestly am not.

In times like these, I really wish I was a time traveller and could travel to the future to see if I did the right thing for myself and my life. And if I didn't, I would change things.

But it's okay. I'll get through this. I'll survive, right?