SONG: The Undeserving - Something to Hope For

Thursday, October 21, 2010


Do you remember when life was an ember waiting to burst into flames?
Are you so tired and so uninspired, slowly drifting to the end?

Don't let your heart keep breaking.
Move on. Please don't look back.

We fall down.
We get up.
We try to hold our head up when life pulls us apart.
And we fight and we bleed but all we ever need is something to hope for,
Something to hope for.


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

This is just your usual exam/life rant, so you probably don't want to read this post. Reading it will probably just make you sad or make you think I'm crazy. They're kinda all over the place and the topics are scattered nearound. I just needed some place to scream and wail.. I obviously can't do it or show it publicly, so I'm 'screaming' and 'wailing' by writing this rant. Writing a rant in my blog has therapeutic effects for me.

My face probably looks like this right now :pandaGeli_06: Except that my eyes aren't widened. They're lifeless.

I panicked. I panicked in the exam. I did my own breathing exercises, tried to calm myself down... and instead I was pretty near to hyperventilating. Nice job, Carmen.
When doing the questions, my hands were literally shaking and I sweat like a pig :mPeluh:.

I seriously wish I could be like Einstein. Or Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory. Or JJ Powell from No Ordinary Family. Or those Nobel prize winners. They all have one thing in common. They're all geniuses. Freaking smart geniuses. I would give up being pretty to become a genius. I would pick to have brains over brawn any day. I just want to be a genius. I want to be great. I want to be able to appreciate the beauty of (Additional) Mathematics. I want to see beyond numbers and formulas. I want to be able to store information in my brain like a computer or absorb knowledge like a sponge absorbs water.

I love gaining knowledge. I love to read. And deep deep inside, I actually like to do my homework and study. Yeah I'm a nerd. But all these intellectual desires and interests have gone with the wind. I am so distracted right now. So overwhelmed and taken over by pleasure and leisure. By hedonism. I despise myself sometimes. All these devils, all these demons, all these addiction and obsessions, I wish they could all go away so that I can have tunnel vision-like focus on my studies. And because I don't have the mood to blame myself right now and I can't possibly feel any more lower in my life (which is an exaggeration, I know), I blame adolescence. Oh you teenage hormones. Causing me to have all these emotional ups and downs...

And yeah I know the usual nagging about studying hard bla bla bla...
Sigh, I always have the motivation to study after a rough day like this.. but then a day later, that motivation slowly disappears and then I become my old lazy, lethargic, sleepy, absent-minded, distracted self again. It's like a cycle.

We always want the things we can't have. Or we always want things which are so difficult to achieve.

Now let's talk about my health, specifically my degree of lethargy and sleepiness.
I seem to want to sleep anytime and all the time. Even after I took a 1 hour nap... 2 hours later, my eyelids feel heavy and I feel sleepy again. It even happens during the day! Do I have some kind of cancer? Or a tumour in my brain??
Ah what the heck, I'll just diagnose myself with hypersomnia.

ADD MATHS WHY WERE YOU SO HARD? WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? The hard questions, I can't do. For the easy questions, I applied the right formula... but put in the wrong value. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME? I STUDIED LAST NIGHT I REALLY DID. I DID THE QUESTIONS OVER AND OVER AGAIN. And yet I put in the wrong value. JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I COULD EARN SOME MARKS FROM THOSE 'EASY' QUESTIONS (which were very little by the way), NOW I CAN'T BECAUSE I FREAKING PUT IN THE WRONG VALUES. STUPID MEDIAN FORMULA.

This always happens to me. It's ridiculous.
I have 2 unsure choices. I circle an answer. I read and contemplate over it over and over again. Hmm, the other answer seems more suitable. So, I change the answer. Turns out the original answer was correct.
I learned from my mistake. Okay.
Another exam, I once again have 2 unsure choices. Don't know which one to pick. I circle an answer. I am unsure of the answer. But I "learned" from my previous mistake. Don't change the answer! So I don't change the answer. Turns out the other answer was correct.
There are so few times where I got the question correct after changing it.

I am like a zombie right now. A zombie with a frown. An involuntary frown. As much as I want to smile and pretend that today was just another bad day which I can usually push to the back of my mind and continue living life as it is, today I can't. Today, is different. Today, I just caused myself to fail for my Add Maths exam. And this will be the first time I fail a subject. Not bragging or boasting here, but this will remembered forever. Who would forget their first F? My first red F. MY FIRST FREAKING F.
Definitely not me.

I can't talk or speak right now, I'm not in the mood and I just can't bring myself to open my mouth. I can only voice out my opinions and thoughts through typing. I'm like a robot.

My brother is talking to me about his Restaurant City, which usually I respond with "Really?" or "Oh, cool". But today, I just look at him with an expressionless and blank face.

I know I had a few exaggerating moments in this post. I am fully aware of that. But this is what happens when I go crazy and mad like this.


TV-watching marathon today! :P

Friday, October 15, 2010

No studying or revising tonight. I have been working my butt off this week for the exams (which the effort didn't really pay off in the end), and now it's time to relax and enjoy the free time I have tonight.

So I went all out.

I watched 6 episodes from 3 different TV shows (mostly re-watch)!!

Found them really good, so I shall share a few picspams with you guys.

Read at own risk :)

Modern Family

2x02: The Kiss

Luke: Ghost of Manny’s great grandma… If that’s really you, show yourself!
[Printer starts printing]
[Luke grabs the printed paper]
Manny: That’s her!
[Luke throws the paper away]
[Luke and Manny scream and run away]

2x03: Earthquake

This was so hilarious! I laughed my butt off! Oh Manny <3

(Photo credit: Tumblr)

MANNY: I just don’t understand this bad section of heaven. What if they send you to the wrong place? They make mistakes with paperwork sometimes! I was put in a girl’s health class last year and I had to watch a very disturbing movie.
JAY: Calm down. Instead of thinking all morning about what heaven’s gonna look like, what it’s not gonna look like, who’s where, if there even is a heaven.. Why don’t we just concentrate on this beautiful, carefree day, that’s in front of us?
MANNY: I’d rather concentrate on something you just said. There might not even be a heaven?
JAY: I don’t know!
MANNY: You seemed pretty sure of yourself this morning. So what happens after you die? There’s just nothing?
JAY: Look, you’re focusing too much on one little thing that I said. It was just a hunch, okay?
MANNY: A hunch? I’m skipping church based on a hunch?! (he hyperventilates)
JAY: All right, don’t freak out on me here, kid.
MANNY: You’re playing pretty fast and loose with my soul.
JAY: Listen. I want you to forget everything that I said, okay?
MANNY: Some things can’t be forgotten, Jay. Do you know what menstruation is? Because I do!

The Big Bang Theory

4x03: The Zazzy Substitution

Howard: Women, huh. Can’t live with them, can’t successfully refute their hypothesis.
Sheldon: Amen to that.
(Picture and quote are not connected)

Grey's Anatomy

7x04: Can't Fight Biology

This isn't funny, but it is extremely sweet.

Owen: Cristina? Cristina…?
Cristina: Welcome home! [Pops the champagne cork] It’s ours. [Pours champagne into cups] We bought it. Well, I bought it. But it’s for the both of us.
Owen: I don’t know what to say.
Cristina: Our house has a firepole in it. What else is there to say?
Owen: Y-You said this morning….
Cristina: I don’t care where we live. I really don’t, but you do. You love this place, and I love you.
[Owen swoops in and kisses her]

Sigh :) I'm loving married Cristina & Owen.

7x03: Superfreak

Okay, now this is funny. Hilarious facial expressions XD

2x03: Grilled Cheesus

This episode had a blend of everything. Humour, sadness etc..
Also loved the songs! Papa, Can You Hear Me, One of Us, I Wanna Hold Your Hand.... :)

(Picture source: Tumblr)


Kurt had a really hard time in this episode :(

(Picture source: Internet)
This is just a casual photo, not a screencap from the show. What striking similarities! :O Except for the nose. Everything else looks pretty similar.

And you can find all these in my Tumblr.


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