Rant.

This is just your usual exam/life rant, so you probably don't want to read this post. Reading it will probably just make you sad or make you think I'm crazy. They're kinda all over the place and the topics are scattered nearound. I just needed some place to scream and wail.. I obviously can't do it or show it publicly, so I'm 'screaming' and 'wailing' by writing this rant. Writing a rant in my blog has therapeutic effects for me.

My face probably looks like this right now Except that my eyes aren't widened. They're lifeless.

I panicked. I panicked in the exam. I did my own breathing exercises, tried to calm myself down... and instead I was pretty near to hyperventilating. Nice job, Carmen.
When doing the questions, my hands were literally shaking and I sweat like a pig .

I seriously wish I could be like Einstein. Or Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory. Or JJ Powell from No Ordinary Family. Or those Nobel prize winners. They all have one thing in common. They're all geniuses. Freaking smart geniuses. I would give up being pretty to become a genius. I would pick to have brains over brawn any day. I just want to be a genius. I want to be great. I want to be able to appreciate the beauty of (Additional) Mathematics. I want to see beyond numbers and formulas. I want to be able to store information in my brain like a computer or absorb knowledge like a sponge absorbs water.

I love gaining knowledge. I love to read. And deep deep inside, I actually like to do my homework and study. Yeah I'm a nerd. But all these intellectual desires and interests have gone with the wind. I am so distracted right now. So overwhelmed and taken over by pleasure and leisure. By hedonism. I despise myself sometimes. All these devils, all these demons, all these addiction and obsessions, I wish they could all go away so that I can have tunnel vision-like focus on my studies. And because I don't have the mood to blame myself right now and I can't possibly feel any more lower in my life (which is an exaggeration, I know), I blame adolescence. Oh you teenage hormones. Causing me to have all these emotional ups and downs...

And yeah I know the usual nagging about studying hard bla bla bla...
Sigh, I always have the motivation to study after a rough day like this.. but then a day later, that motivation slowly disappears and then I become my old lazy, lethargic, sleepy, absent-minded, distracted self again. It's like a cycle.

We always want the things we can't have. Or we always want things which are so difficult to achieve.

Now let's talk about my health, specifically my degree of lethargy and sleepiness.
I seem to want to sleep anytime and all the time. Even after I took a 1 hour nap... 2 hours later, my eyelids feel heavy and I feel sleepy again. It even happens during the day! Do I have some kind of cancer? Or a tumour in my brain??
Ah what the heck, I'll just diagnose myself with hypersomnia.

ADD MATHS WHY WERE YOU SO HARD? WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME? The hard questions, I can't do. For the easy questions, I applied the right formula... but put in the wrong value. WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH ME? I STUDIED LAST NIGHT I REALLY DID. I DID THE QUESTIONS OVER AND OVER AGAIN. And yet I put in the wrong value. JUST WHEN I THOUGHT I COULD EARN SOME MARKS FROM THOSE 'EASY' QUESTIONS (which were very little by the way), NOW I CAN'T BECAUSE I FREAKING PUT IN THE WRONG VALUES. STUPID MEDIAN FORMULA.

This always happens to me. It's ridiculous.
I have 2 unsure choices. I circle an answer. I read and contemplate over it over and over again. Hmm, the other answer seems more suitable. So, I change the answer. Turns out the original answer was correct.
I learned from my mistake. Okay.
Another exam, I once again have 2 unsure choices. Don't know which one to pick. I circle an answer. I am unsure of the answer. But I "learned" from my previous mistake. Don't change the answer! So I don't change the answer. Turns out the other answer was correct.
There are so few times where I got the question correct after changing it.

I am like a zombie right now. A zombie with a frown. An involuntary frown. As much as I want to smile and pretend that today was just another bad day which I can usually push to the back of my mind and continue living life as it is, today I can't. Today, is different. Today, I just caused myself to fail for my Add Maths exam. And this will be the first time I fail a subject. Not bragging or boasting here, but this will remembered forever. Who would forget their first F? My first red F. MY FIRST FREAKING F.
Definitely not me.

I can't talk or speak right now, I'm not in the mood and I just can't bring myself to open my mouth. I can only voice out my opinions and thoughts through typing. I'm like a robot.

My brother is talking to me about his Restaurant City, which usually I respond with "Really?" or "Oh, cool". But today, I just look at him with an expressionless and blank face.

I know I had a few exaggerating moments in this post. I am fully aware of that. But this is what happens when I go crazy and mad like this.

X.X