Tuesday, August 20, 2013

No, not the show Lost!

ME. I'm lost. I've never felt so lost in my life. And that would be appropriate, because I am at the stage of my life where I'm standing at the crossroads.

The dilemma is, should I leave the comfort of familiarity and convenience, for the unknown? I have everything I essentially need here. My family and friends are here. I have a shelter, sufficient food and money (my parent's, actually) here. I don't need a reason to leave. Except, that never-ending, nagging want in the back of my head to be independent, go for the adventure and leave my comfort zone. To go for the easy route, or to for the hard one...

I'm at the point of feeling so lost and indecisive, that I (want to) cry almost everyday. I'm so sick of having to choose what to do with my life. I have that overwhelming feeling that every choice I make, will affect either my happiness, or my parents' happiness. I don't know whose happiness to sacrifice for a better future. If I do something I might not like, I'll feel uncomfortable and shitty for the rest of my life, but save a lot of money for my parents and save time for myself. If I do something that I'll potentially like, but it's going to be very very difficult, I'm wasting time and my parents will have to spend all their savings on me, so I know I'll feel horrible for the rest of my life. So, they both end in me feeling shitty. Except if I do well in what I want to do, or if I actually learn to like what I might not like. But it's all so uncertain. YOU SEE MY PROBLEM!?

The freedom of choice can sometimes be a burden more than it is a right. I am those kind of people who when it comes to making a choice, we overthink. Our mind jumps to all sorts of conclusions, all the different ways it could go wrong if I chose one and not the other. Why can't we just pick one and go with the flow? I guess we just don't want to make the wrong decisions and have to face the consequences of it.

I am so afraid of my future. I am so afraid of failure and disappointment. I am so afraid 5 years from now, I'll regret what I'm doing. I know that, mistakes are how we learn. But I can't afford to make a mistake. I don't have a second chance, really. The deadline is near. I literally feel like pulling my hair out.


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