The right kind of porn - Food porn

Everyone who knows me know I love food. I am a total foodie. I live to eat.

I also just finished my A-level, and I have 2-3 months of break before I start my new life (but at the same place -.-) in university.

So I thought maybe I could try my hand at cooking. I am surrounded by the best chefs. My 2 grandmothers, my mother, my aunties... their food taste like food of the gods. Even my dad can cook a mean fried rice. My brother loves to cook as much as he loves to eat. And surprisingly what comes out tastes pretty good most of the time. (Don't tell him I said that)

That's where I fall short. Making my own *good* food. I don't know, maybe I didn't get that 'good-at-cooking' gene. I used to think I can't cook to save my life and I'd probably burn the house down as soon as I turn up the fire on the stove. BUT I took a risk and tried learning a few recipes. I realize I'm capable of making my own edible food! However, the quality of the food made is very questionable. 

I'm going to give you a glimpse into my cooking/baking experiences! If you want to learn how to make them from what I'm showing you, you are at the wrong place. But if you're here to learn from the mistakes I've made or laugh at my shortcomings and misfortunes, read ahead!

So, the latest thing I made is chocolate chip cookies. I literally made it an hour ago and the pictures below were taken a few hours ago. The first and second batch did not turn out as what I hoped it would be due to the dough being way too soft. However, I followed the recipe and it's measurements to a tee. At least I think I did. The measurements are confusing, I don't know if they're in metric system or US system, they won't tell me. And everyone on the internet seems to have different cup measurements ugh. BUT I did it, improvised and voila, came out with solid individual cookies which didn't taste bad at all.

Baking cookies can be so troublesome, dirty and expensive tbh

So this was the 1st batch, which was too soft! :/

Messy!

Looks like bread instead.

1st batch of... idk what this is.

So I added more flour. 2nd batch of 'cookies'... still odd-looking, but it's getting there!

Then I added even more flour! And yay! 3rd time's the freaking charm. (Lol one's half-eaten)

Also I made cupcakes! These are butterbeer cupcakes. Tried is the big key word here. First few batches turned out undercooked. But the next few were okay. And, what better frosting to top off your cupcake with other than cream cheese frosting? Tried making my own. But it got too granular because of the type of sugar I used. Don't be stupid like me and not follow instructions. DON'T USE GRANULATED SUGAR. USE CASTOR SUGAR. Otherwise, your cream cheese will be meant to be doomed from the start. I tried to melt the sugar in the frosting by heating it up, it turned too water-y and I made it worse lol. Then I put it in the refrigerator, but the consistency didn't change. So to those who want to make actual cream cheese frosting, use castor sugar. I beg you.

Butterbeer cupcakes with the perfect cream cheese (which I got from my godmother, I did not make it!)

Tried making my OWN cream cheese frosting. IT FAILED TERRIBLY.

This is baked egg with stuff in it. It was over-cooked, but it tasted good! I added spinach instead of brussel sprouts. I steamed it instead of baking it.

Garnished it with bacon. Because everything tastes better with bacon.

TADA! PIZZA! This one was the most troublesome. You have to leave it in the fridge for the dough to rise. Also, many things went wrong. 5 things that went terribly wrong with this pizza:

• The salmon I used was expired. The last time I ate that salmon (which was few days before), I got diarrhea. But YOLO I used it for this again. Luckily, didn't get diarrhea for the 2nd time.
• The potatoes were undercooked! So I put them back in the oven so it can be cooked, but then the onions started to burn...
• The caramelized onions, was not caramelized enough. I thought the onions would continue to cook in the oven! But it didn't do much in the oven.
• The pizza bread was way too thick, therefore it became rock hard. It was pretty hard to make it thin!
• The bottom crust was burnt. I just couldn't remove the pizza from the baking paper. It STUCK to it like elephant glue.

I had extra potato slices, so I made roasted potatoes!

There were other stuff I made. But I didn't take pictures of it because I was busy trying to not burn things and set my house on fire you know. Hope everyone learned a few things from my cooking failures.

Next thing I'm going to make is, smoothies. Healthy smoothies of course, to compensate for all the fatty sugar-y stuff I'm making. Just bought almond and soy milk yesterday, so I'm gonna make myself some mean smoothies.

Update on life:
Currently feeling like crap. As usual. Something just happened a few minutes ago which made me feel even crappier. All I can say about it (or sing, in this case) is: "Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend...."

But I've stumbled upon a wonderful thing too: Rick Warren's Daily Hope blog. I love the messages on it everyday. They also have an audio version of it. I admit, I'm pretty inconsistent with my daily devotions because I didn't follow a fixed devotional plan. But most of the topics discussed at the blog, really relates to me and my situation. It motivates me! I look forward to seeing it in my inbox everyday. So it's great to finally find one which I can permanently use.

Okay enough melancholy and sadness. Good night everyone.

the painful post

That is one of the most fake pictures I have ever seen. NO ONE SMILES DURING A DENTAL CHECKUP. At least I don't.

I have an insane fear of going to the dentist. I think it all stemmed from that one time I went to the dentist around probably 5 years ago. He was removing a tooth, I think? He kept telling me the needle pain is very minimal and it will only be like an ant bite. Don't get me wrong, I am ALL for anesthetics. But well that huge syringe needle coming towards me tells me the pain will NOT be an ant bite. In fact, it was more than an ant bite. It really hurt!
Not only that, I remembered the government dentist coming to my primary school to check up on our teeth. He had scale my teeth. He did a sucky job. His plaque remover tool scraped my gums too often and caused my mouth to bleed more than normal. And plaque removal ALWAYS feels like it's tickling your teeth, in a bad painful way. Ugh. I can actually recall and feel it from describing the feeling of it. From then on, I never trusted dentists. That somehow also made me feel disgusted about the human oral area. I would even rather see intestines and organs than see your teeth and mouth. I'm pretty sure of it.

Also the last time I went to the dentist for a checkup, I think he told me I had several cavities. From what I assumed, cavity removal or tooth filling probably hurt. My agliophobia (fear of pain) started to build walls of dental fear for me in my mind. Since then, I never visited the dentist, even for regular checkups. I'm embarrassed to say it's been a long, longggggg time since I've been to one. Now, I'm wondering if it's time to step out of my comfort zone and break down the walls of my fear, because cavities left untreated can lead to severely painful consequences.

That is why at one point of my life, I didn't mind being a dentist although I disliked going to one. It was because I wanted to create a fun, stress-free space for people who are as afraid as me to visit the dentist, that could ease their fears. I find dental clinics way too sterile for my liking. I know it's suppose to be clean and hygienic... but you don't need to make the place look like a morgue.

(ETA: I went to the dentist! Not as bad as I thought it would be, but it still hurt at times. Phew, at least I got that over with. Now you see how crazy and worried I get over small things? I'm worried about getting worried lol)

(Disclaimer: This post was actually mainly about going to the dentist, but then my fingers and emotions couldn't stop themselves and it expanded to become a post about all the painful things I'm scared of and my ramblings about emotional pain. You can now stop reading thanks :D)

I'd rather go for a facial treatment (which is painful as hell btw) than go the dentist. That says a lot because if you have a bad skin condition like me and had to go for facials regularly, you would know how painful it is. People often have that misconception that facial sessions are relaxing and soothing. HELL NO. Let me help you wipe out that delusion of yours. We go for facials, not for the face massages or the face masks. It is mainly to pluck out the blackheads, whiteheads, pustules or whatever type of acne you have. The feeling is like someone is pushing against your skull as hard as possible to squeeze out the acne. Other times that someone is pinching your skin as hard as possible too. Don't even get me started about the painful tools they use. It. is. hella. painful. My skin is horrible, and it takes them about 3 hours to clear my face of acne. I make it a habit to tell them I am afraid of pain. Sometimes they even tell me they can't finish removing them all because I have so many, and some are not 'ripe' enough to be plucked out yet so I have to come back again.

It is also because of my agliophobia that I never learned how to ride a bike. Because learning how to ride bikes requires you to fall once in a while when trying to keep your balance on the bike. Unless the ground or surface is made out of pillows and blankets, I don't think I could muster up the courage to finally learn how to ride a bike. It is sad, because when I see people whizz away in their bikes with the wind gently caressing their face and hair and they look like they're having a good time, I wish I could ride one. Same goes with ice skating or roller blading. The fear might seem irrational because falling off a bike won't kill me, but that's how my brain works. Maybe one day I'll overcome that fear.

Now, not only am I afraid of physical pain, I am very afraid of emotional pain. I've gone through an excruciatingly painful phase of my life and am still in it. There is this one thing which I placed a lot of my hope in it, dedicated so much time on it, put in so much commitment into it... but the end result is fruitless. It was all for naught. I'm still not over it. That also made me feel that aversion towards nostalgia. I used to like the idea of nostalgia. Now, I hate thinking back to the good old days and the sweet memories we all had. I was so happy. I wish I could go back to the start, but clearly it is impossible.

It made me question a lot about life and how unfair it was. I'm dying a slow emotional death (melodramatic Carmen's in the house). I have definitely changed. I'm not as optimistic as I used to be. I tend to worry about everything a whole lot more now. I don't feel as motivated or energetic anymore. I feel fatigued physically, emotionally and mentally. I try to exercise more often these days partly to pump in more endorphins into my system, but that doesn't seem to help.

All in all, I'm afraid of everything from taking risks to going to the dentist. Once bitten, twice shy. I probably have self-esteem and anxiety issues. I'm going down the proverbial rabbit hole. However, I am trying my best to claw my way out of the darkness. Only time can help right now. It'll force me to accept the things I cannot change.

Also I really need to change my blog layout. D:

Do not feed the fears

Okay, I'm done sulking (mainly because I'm out of tears and my eyes are too tired to cry anymore). Who says I still can't channel my love for science in whatever I'll be doing in the future somehow? Who says I still can't migrate to the US one day? Maybe I'll like Australia. Well, that's all in God's hands now. I wish I could look into my future and see if I'm doing the right thing (who wouldn't). Besides, my mum is usually always right anyways.

Thank you all for your encouragement!

In a state of indifference

Yeah I don't really care anymore.

I've chosen to do business. Or more of I'm so freaking sick of having to choose what to do, and having my parents nag and doubt my decision, that I've chosen to take the easier route. I never really understood how people choose to not give a shit. I mean how can you. But now I understand the feeling, because I also don't give a shit anymore. I've broke down too many times over this, and my biggest breakdown was just an hour ago, and I just want to get my life over with.

I won't get to do the thing I wanted to do in life, which is essentially to save lives in some medical way. First, I thought medicine was good. I liked to study what the human body does, but I was afraid of not being able to cope with the stress. I know myself, I'm not being a coward, I'm being realistic. Also (no offense) but the amount of doctors here are oversaturated which leads to it being too competitive and job opportunities will be less. That was a big factor in me turning down medicine. So okay, maybe I can choose something else which doesn't require me to become a doctor in the end but still, about similar stuff and the same goal. So I chose biomedical engineering. I was concerned because... well I don't fancy Math all that much. I'm also not that good in it. But you get to build a heart from a stem cell from scratch, create lab-grown kidneys and make artificial ovaries! You also get to design/build the machine they use in the hospitals. All that, is pretty much what I want to do too.

Also, I would love to study in the US. I know it's not going to be as great as what I think of it in my head, but I've always wanted to migrate to the US at some point of my life. That was like my life goal, right behind travelling around the world. The biomedical engineering industry is booming in the US too. Perfect! My parents let me sit for SAT and go for ADP classes. Everything was sort of according to plan.

But then things got ugly. My parents started planting seeds of doubt in my head. It's frustrating. They also told me to ask around about the US universities, which I did. I created an imagination of myself living there, already planning out my life based on that fantasy. Then of course, my parents enquired about the business degree for me, and even printed out information and brochures for me, telling me to do business instead. After telling me I could study in the US. After giving me false hope after false hope. That was the last straw. My anger reared its ugly head. I just don't care anymore. I can't stand it. I chose business. Whatever. Maybe I'm not meant to do what I want to. Considering I've never done any form of the art stream subjects like economics or accounting, they want me to do it anyway. I've practically wasted my whole life studying pure science. Working my ass off to get good grades for science subjects, and having to strip away my want to contribute to the world in terms of science.

They even already have a plan in mind for me to study and work in Australia.

I feel like someone has died. Except that someone is a something. My dream. And I mourn for the loss of something so precious.

Just whatever. I am devastated, but I no longer care. FML.