Straya

So it's been almost half a year since I've stepped foot on Australian soil and prepared to make this place my home for the next 1 year.

Been here for a few days and I've already seen a snake eat a bat, and a ridiculously huge spider. Wouldn't have it any other way! #straya

A photo posted by Carmen C (@carmenc23) on Feb 22, 2016 at 10:19pm PST

Actual proof of how fearless the wildlife are here. You think the internet and I are joking but we're not. That shit's real.

So, how's life?

The art of not giving a damn

If I had one thing I could fix that would make my life more freeing and less anxious, it would be how much I care. I care too much about too many things. I don't know how to say no.

So this year, I'm going to work on saying 'no' and being more selective about what I care about. I used to take in everything that comes my way and try to mend it or mold myself to give in to others. Yeah not this year, buddy. Things I feel aren't worth being upset over, I'm just going to step back, avoid and detach. Time to remove myself from negativity and things that just piss me off.

Here are some methods I'm planning to use to perfect the fine art of not giving a damn:

Updates + PULP

Hi all!!! I know, it's been a long time. Not like anyone is reading or waiting for me to post anything but hello vast internet space, how ya doing?

If you remember, I broke my ankle a little more than a year ago. Shit got real - I couldn't walk for months, went for grueling course of physiotherapy and I just had all my ankle's screws and plate fully taken out few weeks ago. Definitely don't miss those times.

Now I'm back baby, however not in full force because I have screwholes in my bones and I can't run/jump for half a year but hey, at least this time I can walk. I had Ellie Goulding serenading me to anesthesia-induced sleep in the O.R with "Love Me Like You Do". I felt light headed and like the last time, BAM fell asleep. Woke up horribly nauseated unlike the last time where I felt like I woke up from a fulfilling sleep, but this one felt more like a extremely horrible hangover (would be the first I've ever had).

Also in less than a month, I will be embarking on a new chapter of my life: AUSTRALIA. So I'm getting ready to head off to the land down under, filled with extremely good-looking/fit people and mysterious cringe-worthy insects - both of which I'm intimidated by.

Also had a catch-up with some ex-uni mates after a long time recuperating at the hospital and at home. And I'm so impressed by the the photography opportunities at PULP by Papa Pahelta (Bangsar). The most important thing in photography to me is the lighting. Without good lighting your pictures will suck. Sure, editing can save it but it will never reach the full potential good lighting can bring to a photo. And what better lighting than natural light from the sun y'all. Now count how many times I mentioned the word 'lighting'.

One thing I disliked was that in spite of the large space they had, there was still lack of seats. Also, they need blinds for one of their big windows. At this time of the year, the sun is out to play and it is just too glaring and hot to sit at that location (and we couldn't move because of lack of space!)

Nitro coffee. First few sips in, surprisingly light unlike Bean Reserve's.

Very rich and decadent chocolate truffle cake. Very pretty but not the best chocolate cake around. 

Impressive latte art on hot chocolate.

This is the Hartmann Lot 22. She's smooth.

Not my salad.

Smell y'all later.

Oops I Did It Again

Remember my earlier post about not giving in to other people and my revelation about focusing on my own wants and needs? That was when I finally realized that I can't continue doing shit for people who don't care and who won't do the same for me anymore. Over the past few months when the situation arises, I have been actively assessing and analyzing what I should do in situations that require me to be assertive.

Very recently, I took the Caliper test and the results further confirmed that I was the kind of person to give in to others and have a need to be liked*. My accommodating trait was sky high! Which wasn't a good thing, because at some point, you accommodate people so much that you start to forget yourself. You lose yourself in the process. And that has happened one time too many. I need to set healthy boundaries of which extent I'm willing to accommodate to other people, and when I will say enough is enough.

I regressed and it happened again a few days ago on a larger scale when I strongly convinced myself to give my opportunity away to someone else who may do better than me and be okay with it. I willingly made the choice for the both of us and offered my own chance to her. In the end, it was all for (call it whatever you want but I'm going to call it...) drama and the want for heightened emotions, as all of us got the opportunity we wanted. At that time I was operating in mode "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". She was my friend, who I expected at least an acknowledgment from after the whole debacle. But she didn't say anything, and probably treated the situation as if nothing happened. After that, something just clicked within me and I thought, not everyone has the same heart as me. Not everyone will fall on their own sword for me. That's reality and a fact of life. You can't expect others to do the same for you. And I didn't give away my opportunity to please others, it all boiled down to friendship. What I've learned from that is: when it comes to things that truly matter and benefit me, I need to fight for it regardless of sentiment or friendship. I almost subconsciously let someone else take what I deserved away from me.

There has to come a time when you just have to be a little selfish. I don't know if I could've lived with myself if I was selected and that person didn't get through, because I would feel bad. If I reject the opportunity, I'll feel guilty. If I take it, I'll feel guilty. I can never win. Which is stupid, because why on earth should I feel guilty or sad about that? I deserved it and fought for it, I should be proud. There will always be winners and losers because when you snooze you lose. There is always this tendency for me to look down on myself and subconsciously persuade myself that I am not good enough. Well, this is where my other Caliper trait came in: my assertiveness. It was below average and wasn't at the level I wished to achieve after years of working on it. With a combination of low assertiveness and high accommodation, it was the perfect recipe for low self-esteem.

Clearly, I still have a long way to go. But I have made progress for sure. The me years ago would be very uncomfortable talking to a crowd, hesitant to step up and I cared too much. Now, I'm making slow but steady progress. But I think I'm all too ready to propel myself towards the next stage: believing in myself, fighting for the things I want/believe in, learning to say no and not letting anyone make me feel inferior. I certainly don't live to constantly please others and be taken advantage of.

Ugh. This has to change because I'm so sick of all this.

* = The results of course do not define who I am and are not conclusive because the level of my traits can be moderated over time by practice.