I've caught myself being very out of it lately. I can't even seem to recall those moments of being so absent-minded because I am
that out of it. The short-term memory loss doesn't help either.
Do you know how it feels to be waiting for something that looks like will never come? When does this end? When can I ever stop feeling this way? The brain may be smart enough to tell you to get the hell out of this mess before shit hits the fan, but the heart isn't catching up. The heart still remembers. It always does, and it always will. It remembers the sentiment and memories of it all. While the brain is trying to get rid of all that you've known before, the heart remembers it back all over again - rendering your brain's effort useless. My brain is also a total douche, making me ruminate all these things in my head. It doesn't have to be this difficult and complicated. I wish I could suck it up and move on. But it doesn't work that way for me.
It made me so happy, yet it broke me. The similarity in both situations was that I felt so alive, and it was an introduction to a world of what I'd like to call - the most intense emotions ever. I've never felt that way before. And now I know what you're thinking, this sounds like a boy issue but it is not. I wish it was that easy and tangible. This is something I cannot control, with my pleas and my efforts, it's not something for me to decide. Maybe it's something for certain humans to decide, but ultimately it is God's decision. Since I can't control THAT thing, I can only control myself. Which is the real problem here. This is beyond what I think I can handle, this is an issue between the heart and the mind. I'm fighting myself in this battle. There is one enemy, but it is the most complicated and crucial one yet. Because if you win this battle, you'll come out not only a better person but a wiser one. There are other fights with giants within that battle, but if you win the main battle with yourself, you win everything.
Daily, I am reminded by my scumbag brain (my heart is a scumbag too) why it won't work out and how hope is the most dangerous weapon in my arsenal. Because while hope is the fuel to the flame, hope can only do so much. Hope gives you the strength to go on but if it doesn't happen, then what? You also need persistence, optimism and determination. A thick skin is preferable and a spirit that never gives up is not optional. And right now, I only have the tiniest sliver of hope in me and I am hanging by a very thin thread. That is all I have to go against the giants. And hope isn't useful, if things weren't meant to work out. That is where God comes into play.
You may want things this way, but God may have another way for you. So whatever you hope and work for, doesn't succeed unless God wants it to happen and blesses it. Now that's another crux of the problem: I don't know what God wants in this situation. 'Signs' are subjective and utterly misleading sometimes. I may think something I saw is a sign, but it may be just a pigment of my overactive imagination, guiding me to the wrong path. I've prayed for nearly 6 years, for it to work out and actually, it does almost every time, for which I am extremely grateful for and continues to heighten my expectations. But it always goes back to square one. It always breaks apart, dashes my hopes and expectations, and unravels into this complicated unsolvable thing. So I pray again. And the cycle continues.
However right now we are at the end of that cycle. If things don't work out then there is no chance for it to ever happen again. This is the pinnacle, peak opportunity. The last round. But it seems like things are going further from how I need it to be and I'm getting closer to my nightmare. This nightmare hasn't even happened yet, but I have a sense of foreboding that it will happen. That my life will never be the same ever again. Is God not willing for what I want to happen, or is this a test? While this opens a new path for me to start afresh, it's not something I want. Some people say change is good, it sets a whole new blueprint for your life. But, sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's change for the worst and you have a legit and valid reason to not succumb to that change. Instead, you fight and you don't choose flight. There is not an option to flee, at least to me there isn't. It taps into my core belief and I will not sway from it. I'm extremely stubborn when it comes to this. While being able to hold fast to what you believe in is commendable and admirable, sometimes it
is better to let go.
An entire sea of water can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. Similarly, the negativity of the world can’t put you down unless you allow it to get inside you.
- Goi Nasu
I've tried my very best to avoid the external factors of negativity. But what matters most, is internal. If you don't let the negativity get in, then you'll be fine even with it surrounding you. But even if you were to rid of all the negativity outside, and still THINK about them then what's the point of it all?
To conclude my long but emotionally charged post, I will repeat myself - I strongly believe that if you win the battle against yourself, you win everything.
But how?
