2018, thank u next

As I bid my farewell to 2018 yesterday, I had a lot to think about life. About the meaning and purpose of it, the whole shebang of the will to live and also the will to die, as morbid as that may seem.

It's no secret that I'm someone who just isn't 

But a few horrible things I've learnt about myself in the past year:

1. I self-sabotage

2. I distract myself by keeping busy to escape from my dark thoughts

3. I easily give in

4. I'm always tired

And a few great things I've learnt as well:

1. I don't hate exercising (granted, I have to find exercises I like to do)

2. Making lists help with organizing my cluttered mind

2. ....I can't think of anything else tbh.

And that's the problem isn't it? We always focus on the bad things about ourselves. We never think of what we're grateful for, what we've been doing well on and how far we've come. 

Thank u, next is not only an ode to past boyfriends, it's about taking something bad that's happened, recognizing the impact it's had on you, letting go and then moving on to the better things. While it's never as easy as it sounds, we all have to start somewhere.

So, 2019 I wish to move on - move on from things that I've been clutching on to since years ago, move on from my current setbacks, and move on from worries about the future. I want to be free from all this clutter, mess and burdens weighing me down.

So, here are some of the many things I specifically want to work on in the new year:

1. I'd like to set a fitness goal and try to hit it

2. I want to take better care of my mental health

3. I want to de-clutter

4. I want to save money

Here is to 2019!

#CarmenVentures: Bangkok

My first time in Bangkok, and I loved it! The sights, the sounds; the hustle and bustle - very busy city with great malls. Initially, I went there mostly for the food but quickly realized that the priority of finding good Thai food had to be shared with the priority to SHOP. I'm not a shopping kind of girl, mainly because I can rarely find clothes/shoes with cuts that complemented my size and shape so I gave up on that relentless pursuit earlier on in life. But I could not help but buy some earrings, bags and a few small trinkets. Okay fine, some is an understatement but they were beautiful!

Admittedly, there were some hits and misses but what country doesn't?

9 Places in Bangkok You Should Visit

1. 7-Eleven

Yes, the first and longest one on my list had to be that. I have never been more delighted to shop at a 7-Eleven. I'm sure Japan would be impressive too, if not more impressive. But let's circle back to Thailand.

They had shelves and shelves of food, all waiting to be bought and enjoyed. Our first night there, we arrived close to 12am (thanks to a delayed flight) and as we walked out to the arrival hall to catch our Grab ride, the 7-Eleven sign shone bright like a saviour.

I'm telling you, they've got dumplings, rice boxes, buns, sushi, onigiri, seafood, instant noodles... the list is endless you've got to see it for yourself. For someone who doesn't frequent 7-Eleven (other than the occasional slushie when I was younger), this was pretty good. Also, I was probably hungry.

So we ended up buying a few things to share: instant noodles, rice box with red curry, gyoza/dumplings and rice bun with pork. All delicious. The rice box and gyozas were yummier than expected, and well I don't think pork rice buns could go very wrong anyways. 

An International Student in Brisbane Pt. 3: Exploring Queensland

Feeling a little bored stuck in St. Lucia or Brisbane? Trust me, I get it. It's difficult to travel beyond Brisbane without a car and you can only visit Brisbane CBD so many times before you get bored. Best part is, Queensland has a plethora of picturesque spots, from sunny beaches to breezy mountains. You'd never run out of places to go.

So if you don't have a car, make friends with someone who has one and rent their car or better yet, go together! I was blessed to have housemates who have a car which they rented to us at times, and it was a great way for them to utilize the idle car to earn some extra passive income.



1. Burleigh Heads
A personal favourite and top on my list, especially during dusk as the sunset casts a certain glow around Burleigh Heads. Perfect for picnics and quiet afternoons out.

“The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or touched, they are felt with the heart.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince #carmenventures

A post shared by Carmen C (@carmenchanz) on Jun 29, 2016 at 5:37am PDT

An International Student in Brisbane Pt. 2: Food Glorious Food

You guys.... this is my favourite part of the series (only 2 so far but I already know it's my favourite)

Food glorious food. Brisbane may not be like Sydney and Melbourne where brunch spots are practically everywhere. I personally feel Brisbane needs to up their brunch and dessert game. But that doesn't mean you're out of choices for some good eats.

Here are some of my pick of restaurants to eat in Brisbane (and beyond):


Korean

Dreams of fried chicken#foodblog #foodblogger #brisbanefoodbog #brisbane #brissie #igersbrisbane #hungrykittens #hungrykittensfoodblog #koreanfood #friedchicken

A post shared by Hungry Kittens (@hungrykittens.foodblog) on Jan 7, 2017 at 6:10pm PST

1. Funny Funny (Brisbane CBD)
Address: 85 George St, Brisbane City QLD 4000, Australia
Must order: Great place for Korean fried chicken. 50% off KFC on Wednesdays!

An International Student in Brisbane Pt. 1: Getting Started

This is part 1 of a series I call "An International Student's Guide to Life in Brisbane", particularly if you're Malaysian - this is what to look out for when you first arrive. This was actually written for my cousin who's also going to UQ to study, but eh while I'm at it why not expand and share it with everyone?

A little background about me, I studied Bachelor of Commerce at University of Queensland for approximately 1 year as part of a credit transfer program. I haven't had the time to explore every crevice of Brisbane and its surroundings, but I think 1 year is enough for me to talk about things that I personally would've loved to know when I first arrived. Also I was a Student Leader at UQ, and I had to tell things like this to new students all the time. This series is a collection of advice I've heard from people and things I've experienced myself. In no way should you treat my suggestions as the word of God. I may be incorrect and inaccurate, but I'm trying my best to help you!

Pro-tip before we get started: Don't bring so much over! Pack, remove, re-pack and do it again. I brought too much over, and then my mom came to visit and brought MORE over. I hardly use 50% of the things I have and it's just collecting dust, whether it's clothes or Malaysian food (that consists of sauces, herbal drinks and instant noodles). You will certainly purchase more things while you're in Australia and you'll find yourself bringing back home more than you've brought here. And contrary to popular belief, you can find most of the things you need or crave from Malaysia/Asia over here. You've been warned.

Let's begin!

Making 2017 LIT

2017 sounds like a terrifying year: finding a job, quarter-life crisis, trying to figure out what I want to do post-university...

But at the same time, it's an opportunity for a fresh start, a renewed vigor and barely existing motivation to get my shit together.

It's both horrifying and exciting. And if you know me, I'm not great at making decisions because I'm the most indecisive person ever. I've also always been a very introspective person. After choosing something, I will always wonder, "What would've happened if I took the other path?" and subsequently feel FOMO (fear of missing out) while seeing what other people are up to in their lives that I'm missing out on. It's a vicious cycle.

But here are a few things I want to achieve in 2017. Call them resolutions, but I don't want to put a label on it:

1. Be more present

It's no secret that I'm an absent-minded, forgetful and painfully slow person at times (most of the time, really). On the first few days of 2017, I've already did several things that showcased how freaking forgetful I am, making me feel worse about this goal. But I'm trying to make a conscious effort to be more mindful, aware and present in the moment. If there was an award for someone to be "Most Likely To Get Alzheimer's When Old", I'd be the perfect person.

2. Be more assertive

This is something I've been working on for years, and it's still a work in progress. Heck, we're ALL WIP. Slowly, but surely. How? By saying 'no' more often to things I don't want to do, standing up for what I believe in, and just being more confident in my mannerisms and speech.

3. Be more creative

Creativity is something I personally think I lack. I want to explore, write and produce more graphical content. It can be through making videos, revamping the blog by writing more or expressing myself in a more creative way. There are no boundaries when it comes to creativity and innovation. I don't want to think outside the box, I want there to be no box. #deep #zen #2k17

4. Learn a new skill

I'm leaning towards brushing up my French and Korean (knowledge basically almost nil now), improving my coding skills and learning how to play a new instrument. GO GIRL GO

5. FIND A JOB???

I don't think the problem lies in finding a job, it's choosing a job I actually like or at least can stand for the next 2 years at least. First world problems amirite.


Other than that, I'm trying to create a healthier, fitter me this year. So far January hasn't been a very healthy month (with CNY and meeting up/eating out with friends etc), COME AT ME FEBRUARY.

Straya

So it's been almost half a year since I've stepped foot on Australian soil and prepared to make this place my home for the next 1 year.

Been here for a few days and I've already seen a snake eat a bat, and a ridiculously huge spider. Wouldn't have it any other way! #straya

A photo posted by Carmen C (@carmenc23) on Feb 22, 2016 at 10:19pm PST

Actual proof of how fearless the wildlife are here. You think the internet and I are joking but we're not. That shit's real.

So, how's life?

The art of not giving a damn

If I had one thing I could fix that would make my life more freeing and less anxious, it would be how much I care. I care too much about too many things. I don't know how to say no.

So this year, I'm going to work on saying 'no' and being more selective about what I care about. I used to take in everything that comes my way and try to mend it or mold myself to give in to others. Yeah not this year, buddy. Things I feel aren't worth being upset over, I'm just going to step back, avoid and detach. Time to remove myself from negativity and things that just piss me off.

Here are some methods I'm planning to use to perfect the fine art of not giving a damn:

Updates + PULP

Hi all!!! I know, it's been a long time. Not like anyone is reading or waiting for me to post anything but hello vast internet space, how ya doing?

If you remember, I broke my ankle a little more than a year ago. Shit got real - I couldn't walk for months, went for grueling course of physiotherapy and I just had all my ankle's screws and plate fully taken out few weeks ago. Definitely don't miss those times.

Now I'm back baby, however not in full force because I have screwholes in my bones and I can't run/jump for half a year but hey, at least this time I can walk. I had Ellie Goulding serenading me to anesthesia-induced sleep in the O.R with "Love Me Like You Do". I felt light headed and like the last time, BAM fell asleep. Woke up horribly nauseated unlike the last time where I felt like I woke up from a fulfilling sleep, but this one felt more like a extremely horrible hangover (would be the first I've ever had).

Also in less than a month, I will be embarking on a new chapter of my life: AUSTRALIA. So I'm getting ready to head off to the land down under, filled with extremely good-looking/fit people and mysterious cringe-worthy insects - both of which I'm intimidated by.

Also had a catch-up with some ex-uni mates after a long time recuperating at the hospital and at home. And I'm so impressed by the the photography opportunities at PULP by Papa Pahelta (Bangsar). The most important thing in photography to me is the lighting. Without good lighting your pictures will suck. Sure, editing can save it but it will never reach the full potential good lighting can bring to a photo. And what better lighting than natural light from the sun y'all. Now count how many times I mentioned the word 'lighting'.

One thing I disliked was that in spite of the large space they had, there was still lack of seats. Also, they need blinds for one of their big windows. At this time of the year, the sun is out to play and it is just too glaring and hot to sit at that location (and we couldn't move because of lack of space!)

Nitro coffee. First few sips in, surprisingly light unlike Bean Reserve's.

Very rich and decadent chocolate truffle cake. Very pretty but not the best chocolate cake around. 

Impressive latte art on hot chocolate.

This is the Hartmann Lot 22. She's smooth.

Not my salad.

Smell y'all later.

Oops I Did It Again

Remember my earlier post about not giving in to other people and my revelation about focusing on my own wants and needs? That was when I finally realized that I can't continue doing shit for people who don't care and who won't do the same for me anymore. Over the past few months when the situation arises, I have been actively assessing and analyzing what I should do in situations that require me to be assertive.

Very recently, I took the Caliper test and the results further confirmed that I was the kind of person to give in to others and have a need to be liked*. My accommodating trait was sky high! Which wasn't a good thing, because at some point, you accommodate people so much that you start to forget yourself. You lose yourself in the process. And that has happened one time too many. I need to set healthy boundaries of which extent I'm willing to accommodate to other people, and when I will say enough is enough.

I regressed and it happened again a few days ago on a larger scale when I strongly convinced myself to give my opportunity away to someone else who may do better than me and be okay with it. I willingly made the choice for the both of us and offered my own chance to her. In the end, it was all for (call it whatever you want but I'm going to call it...) drama and the want for heightened emotions, as all of us got the opportunity we wanted. At that time I was operating in mode "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". She was my friend, who I expected at least an acknowledgment from after the whole debacle. But she didn't say anything, and probably treated the situation as if nothing happened. After that, something just clicked within me and I thought, not everyone has the same heart as me. Not everyone will fall on their own sword for me. That's reality and a fact of life. You can't expect others to do the same for you. And I didn't give away my opportunity to please others, it all boiled down to friendship. What I've learned from that is: when it comes to things that truly matter and benefit me, I need to fight for it regardless of sentiment or friendship. I almost subconsciously let someone else take what I deserved away from me.

There has to come a time when you just have to be a little selfish. I don't know if I could've lived with myself if I was selected and that person didn't get through, because I would feel bad. If I reject the opportunity, I'll feel guilty. If I take it, I'll feel guilty. I can never win. Which is stupid, because why on earth should I feel guilty or sad about that? I deserved it and fought for it, I should be proud. There will always be winners and losers because when you snooze you lose. There is always this tendency for me to look down on myself and subconsciously persuade myself that I am not good enough. Well, this is where my other Caliper trait came in: my assertiveness. It was below average and wasn't at the level I wished to achieve after years of working on it. With a combination of low assertiveness and high accommodation, it was the perfect recipe for low self-esteem.

Clearly, I still have a long way to go. But I have made progress for sure. The me years ago would be very uncomfortable talking to a crowd, hesitant to step up and I cared too much. Now, I'm making slow but steady progress. But I think I'm all too ready to propel myself towards the next stage: believing in myself, fighting for the things I want/believe in, learning to say no and not letting anyone make me feel inferior. I certainly don't live to constantly please others and be taken advantage of.

Ugh. This has to change because I'm so sick of all this.

* = The results of course do not define who I am and are not conclusive because the level of my traits can be moderated over time by practice.

Stockholm syndrome

Just gained a new perspective on Stockholm syndrome. I've always only applied SS in its original conception, where hostages develop strong positive attachments to their human captors. But I recently just realised during one of my intense overthinking sessions that metaphorically Stockholm syndrome can happen to anyone. Anyone can fall victim and be a 'hostage' to anything that keeps it 'captive'. Your captor could be something intangible like depression, your career... or something entirely physical like an emotionally-abusing friend/partner. It's so easy to be addicted to things that don't benefit you. What's important is realising what is keeping you captive and breaking those chains that tie you down.

My worst enemy

I've caught myself being very out of it lately. I can't even seem to recall those moments of being so absent-minded because I am that out of it. The short-term memory loss doesn't help either.

Do you know how it feels to be waiting for something that looks like will never come? When does this end? When can I ever stop feeling this way? The brain may be smart enough to tell you to get the hell out of this mess before shit hits the fan, but the heart isn't catching up. The heart still remembers. It always does, and it always will. It remembers the sentiment and memories of it all. While the brain is trying to get rid of all that you've known before, the heart remembers it back all over again - rendering your brain's effort useless. My brain is also a total douche, making me ruminate all these things in my head. It doesn't have to be this difficult and complicated. I wish I could suck it up and move on. But it doesn't work that way for me.

It made me so happy, yet it broke me. The similarity in both situations was that I felt so alive, and it was an introduction to a world of what I'd like to call - the most intense emotions ever. I've never felt that way before. And now I know what you're thinking, this sounds like a boy issue but it is not. I wish it was that easy and tangible. This is something I cannot control, with my pleas and my efforts, it's not something for me to decide. Maybe it's something for certain humans to decide, but ultimately it is God's decision. Since I can't control THAT thing, I can only control myself. Which is the real problem here. This is beyond what I think I can handle, this is an issue between the heart and the mind. I'm fighting myself in this battle. There is one enemy, but it is the most complicated and crucial one yet. Because if you win this battle, you'll come out not only a better person but a wiser one. There are other fights with giants within that battle, but if you win the main battle with yourself, you win everything.

Daily, I am reminded by my scumbag brain (my heart is a scumbag too) why it won't work out and how hope is the most dangerous weapon in my arsenal. Because while hope is the fuel to the flame, hope can only do so much. Hope gives you the strength to go on but if it doesn't happen, then what? You also need persistence, optimism and determination. A thick skin is preferable and a spirit that never gives up is not optional. And right now, I only have the tiniest sliver of hope in me and I am hanging by a very thin thread. That is all I have to go against the giants. And hope isn't useful, if things weren't meant to work out. That is where God comes into play.

You may want things this way, but God may have another way for you. So whatever you hope and work for, doesn't succeed unless God wants it to happen and blesses it. Now that's another crux of the problem: I don't know what God wants in this situation. 'Signs' are subjective and utterly misleading sometimes. I may think something I saw is a sign, but it may be just a pigment of my overactive imagination, guiding me to the wrong path. I've prayed for nearly 6 years, for it to work out and actually, it does almost every time, for which I am extremely grateful for and continues to heighten my expectations. But it always goes back to square one. It always breaks apart, dashes my hopes and expectations, and unravels into this complicated unsolvable thing. So I pray again. And the cycle continues.

However right now we are at the end of that cycle. If things don't work out then there is no chance for it to ever happen again. This is the pinnacle, peak opportunity. The last round. But it seems like things are going further from how I need it to be and I'm getting closer to my nightmare. This nightmare hasn't even happened yet, but I have a sense of foreboding that it will happen. That my life will never be the same ever again. Is God not willing for what I want to happen, or is this a test? While this opens a new path for me to start afresh, it's not something I want. Some people say change is good, it sets a whole new blueprint for your life. But, sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's change for the worst and you have a legit and valid reason to not succumb to that change. Instead, you fight and you don't choose flight. There is not an option to flee, at least to me there isn't. It taps into my core belief and I will not sway from it. I'm extremely stubborn when it comes to this. While being able to hold fast to what you believe in is commendable and admirable, sometimes it is better to let go.

An entire sea of water can’t sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship. Similarly, the negativity of the world can’t put you down unless you allow it to get inside you. 

- Goi Nasu

I've tried my very best to avoid the external factors of negativity. But what matters most, is internal. If you don't let the negativity get in, then you'll be fine even with it surrounding you. But even if you were to rid of all the negativity outside, and still THINK about them then what's the point of it all?

To conclude my long but emotionally charged post, I will repeat myself - I strongly believe that if you win the battle against yourself, you win everything.

But how?

Fire noodle challenge

I first heard of this challenge on Bubzbeauty's video where she and her husband (Tim) tried it, and Bubz didn't even break a sweat! Amazing. So I got all over-confident and thought nah can't be THAT spicy because I can take spicy. I love spicy!

But on a scale of 1 to 10, this was probably an 8 for me. The noodles was actually pretty delicious, cooked al dente with a good flavour, but it was too spicy for me to slowly savour it. If you want to take on the challenge, you can get it at the Korean mart in Ampang. Never thought I'd find it there!

I suggest you get a cup of milk ready on standby. I underestimated how spicy it was going to be and had no emergency drink ready. I don't remember if I pooped fire, but be ready for that too.

AvocaNO #2 - Avocado toast (kimchi and grilled cheese)

With a little experimentation, curiosity and craziness, I found out that avocados go well with something I really love: KIMCHI - the love of my life (among many others). If you know me well, you know I love Korean food and that includes the glorious fermented cabbage, kimchi. Good kimchi gives you a kick in the tastebuds, a real party in your mouth. It's got sour, spicy and crunchy all there at the same time. And as I said earlier, I don't particularly love avocados. But I'm willing to try almost anything to make the eating smoother and less gross.

I like to pair kimchi with everything I can. Rice, noodles, yam cake... you name it. So naturally I tried to pair kimchi with my smashed avocados on toast instead of adding salt and pepper (I don't even like pepper so that's a bust). You must be thinking, how can this possibly taste good. Surprisingly it did and it worked out so well! Kimchi has a very strong and distinct taste, while in my opinion avocado has a more subtle flavour. So instead of the usual salt and pepper, I used kimchi to enhance the overall taste. The kimchi did not take away the quiet taste of the avocado and is basically a substitute for the minimum salt and pepper.

Avocado Kimchi Toast
Bread
1 Avocado
A lot of kimchi
That's it
This doesn't even require a written recipe

Avocado grilled cheese sandwich
1/2 avocado (if you love avocado, go all out and use 1 if you want to)
A lot of cheese (I used shredded mozzarella from the packet)
2 slices of bread
Butter

My second avocado toast is pretty common - avocado grilled cheese sandwich. Unfortunately, I put too little cheese and 1 avocado was actually quite a lot for a sandwich so I didn't like it that much. I was hoping for the melted cheese to envelope the whole sandwich but clearly I didn't put enough!

Ingredients: cheese, bread, avocado, butter

Sandwich the cheese and smashed avocado together

Place the sandwich (buttered side down)

When golden brown, flip your sandwich to other buttered side.
Tip: Use a plate or something with a bit of weight, and place it on your sandwich to ensure the heat fully grills the whole sandwich.

And there ya have it.

Tip to self: ADD MORE CHEESE next time.

AvocaNO (for people who don't like avocados) #1 - Tuna avocado pasta

Personally, I don't really like avocados. THERE I SAID IT. Avocado-lovers come at me. There's very little taste, the texture is like butter and I don't like the texture of it in my mouth. I'm fine with guacamole when it's mixed up with all kinds of different things that it tastes more than just avocado. And except when there was one time I ate sliced avocado with toast in Australia which was actually tolerable. The texture wasn't as gross as when I make it. BUT, having said that I do know how beneficial and nutritious it is for my health. Those healthy fats are good for me. So I have been trying to make myself love avocados by eating more of them.

My second struggle with avocados is real, and I'm sure it is relatable to everyone: Picking a good, ripe avocado. I usually pick the ones that are going to be ripe in a few days because I gotta plan my avocado recipe out. It's always hit and miss (more misses than hits) when I open the avocados, only to find the flesh still hard, rotten/too soft or just not at the right condition to be eaten.

Thirdly, avocado is so expensive. 1 avocado here costs an average of RM6! It's not something I can purchase and make very often, so when I do I gotta make sure it's yummy and not wasted.

I know there are recipes like this out there, but my thought process went something like this. I had some cans of tuna at home, untouched and asking to be used. People usually mix tuna with mayonnaise and I don't like mayonnaise (at this point, I know I may sound like a picky person when it comes with my food but I'm not!) mainly because of the taste, texture and how fattening it is. I try my best to substitute it with a healthier alternative, greek yoghurt (which also isn't cheap).

So I bought 3 avocados for a cheaper price because they were starting to ripen and the supermarket was trying to clear off their stock. I used the first avocado to make avocado kimchi toast which will be the next post in my avocano post series.

I just used the second avocado to make tuna avocado pasta. Something which I will definitely make again in the future. It's an even healther alternative to greek yoghurt and mayonnaise! It provides the smooth texture and acts as a glue for all my ingredients. There are other avocado pasta recipes out there but this is my own improvised recipe. The recipe is based on my taste, preference and portion. I put some salt, and if it's not enough I add a bit more in until it tastes right.

Tuna avocado pasta
Ingredients (serves 2 people):
10 Roma tomatoes halved
3/4 stalk of celery diced into tiny cubes
A pinch of pepper
1 t/b salt
1 t/b sugar
2/3 t/b lemon juice
2 tsp oregano
2 t/b Greek yoghurt
1 tsp dijon mustard (I wasn't even sure if mine was expired lol)
1 avocado, mashed
1 can of tuna (I used the Ayam brand one soaked in extra virgin olive oil, I don't think it matters)
2 servings of pasta (I used farfalle, type of pasta probably doesn't matter either)

There's no rocket science involved here. Just cook your pasta in salted water till al dente, mix all the other ingredients together. As simple as that. I love this recipe because I don't mind eating avocados like this. Even though my recipe is as good as it is, I think it can be further enhanced but I haven't found out how right now. Maybe a bit more lemon juice or onions? It just needs a bit more kick (by not adding mustard or pepper because I don't like both). If you have any ideas, do tell me!

#carmeneatsclean

A moment of self reflection

(ETA: I did not realize I posted this already because I thought it wasn't ready to be posted LOL. Maybe it was on queue o.O)

I am way too nice for my own good. I say 'yes' to things I don't really want to say it to, I give bits of myself to others but at the end of the day I'm left with nothing, and I put the needs of others above my own until I become so emotionally exhausted.

Very honestly, I'm getting sick of it. I think this ultimately stems from my desire to please everyone and make them like me. Like Monica Geller (from Friends) said, "I have this uncontrollable need to please people". Even if I wanted to dislike someone, I'm still too nice to them!

"Once you start wearing a mask, it is almost impossible to take it off." - Jaz Marie 

The worst thing is, I can't help it. It's not like I could switch it off with a tangible click. It's embedded in my personality, it's stamped into my DNA. I tried to give up the whole shtick of not revealing my true emotions and opinions about certain things, and that backfired because my second line of defense kicked in. My own brain didn't want me to change, maybe because I've been stuck in this position for the last 20 years and I couldn't bring myself to undo what I've established as a routine behaviour of mine.

I need to learn how to say no. I want to learn how to reject what I don't need in my life, without having the guilt and impact of my actions bothering me. To voice out what I really think instead of agreeing to what I don't necessarily agree with. I need to be more aware of what's going on instead of letting it be a constant blur, and not allowing others to walk all over me because they don't take me seriously. I am not a convenient rug people can trample on.

Of course, that doesn't mean I'll be rude, obnoxious and selfish. I can never stand those type of people. It just means that I realize I deserve to choose what I will give a big resounding NO to. To things that I care too much about that suck the life out of me.

6 years ago, if someone didn't like me, I would (over)think about it all the time and go all out of my way to find out why. I would correct the situation by giving in to the other person. It made me feel insecure and bad about myself. I realize now that in most of those times, there was nothing to be corrected. I shouldn't feel sorry for being myself. I'm a little proud of how I advanced from that mentality. I felt a little of that transformation when I entered university. If it was something that I did wrong, then of course I'll take responsibility for it. But if someone doesn't like me for my opinions or for who I am... well then I no longer have the energy or time to give a damn anymore. This is how you know you're getting old lol.

I'm just very tired of putting up a facade for people. That facade has become a permanent mask. I can't even tear it down even if I wanted to, or maybe more accurately I don't know how to. As a result people think I'm this chirpy, happy-go-lucky person. I'm darker than most people think. But from now on, I will try my best to not let what people's thinking or judgment of me dictate my actions or opinions. It's time to be a little selfish. It's time to stand up for myself.

My mission, should I choose to accept it, is to find peace with exactly who and what I am. To take pride in my thoughts, my appearance, my talents, my flaws and to stop this incessant worrying that I can’t be loved as I am. ― Anaïs Nin

A surreal opportunity

So I had to do some serious updating to my "All Around the World" project (can be found on my sidebar).

Because very recently, I traveled to the USA with the initial purpose to attend a friend's wedding. But since I'm making the effort to go half way across the world and have that golden window of opportunity, why not go all out?

Our close to 1-month travel itinerary consisted of Los Angeles, San Francisco, Dallas (only for half a day), Waco, Houston, Greenville and New York City. It sounds like we're stretching things a little bit, but we did it! We got to see a majority of what we planned to see and of course, ate what we planned to eat.

I was a little disappointed of some of the things we ate because they were widely regarded as must eats and being very delicious *cough*Artichoke Basille Pizza & In-n-Out*cough*. But that was compensated as I was also impressed by certain foods I thought were going to be mediocre. A few of them that probably deserve honourable mentions are Chipotle's rice bowls, Luke Lobsters' lobster rolls and Eddie Huang's Baohaus creations. I wasn't expecting to be craving for them, but I am! Even Panda Express wasn't too bad. A bit disappointed with the fast food as well, but hey, how good can fast food get anyways? Argh, too bad I didn't get a picture of the Chipotle rice bowl!

Yummy buns from Baohaus

Better-than-most-fast-food Shake Shack

Surprisingly delicious Japanese curry chicken rice

Koja Kitchen - Korean fusion food. So good too.

I was floored by the variety of choices and availability of everything over there. I also underestimated the weather and didn't come fully prepared. Though it's quite sunny, it's also very windy in Los Angeles/San Francisco. I loved the weather (except where sometimes it threatened to freeze me to death).

Golden Gate Bridge in (almost) its full glory

I also had a lot of firsts in this trip! First authentic American wedding, picked cherries for the first time, tried my first deep dish pizza, the first time I saw a sarcophagus...

The bride and groom

YAS.

Speaking of the wedding, it was interesting to say the least. I'm not going to divulge details about some embarrassing moments that happened to me on the internet here, but all in all it was such a lovely, filled with the most friendly and accommodating people. I could not ask for more. The wedding was located at a very scenic 'farm' and it was simplicity at its best. Of course, in any American wedding, dancing was one of the most significant highlights of the night. Let's just say at least I didn't fall or step on any toes while dancing lol.

And not to mention, I have very photogenic friends to take pictures of during the trip. Like, seriously guys they make a simple photo look like they were in a photoshoot.... unacceptable.

I also visited Korea for a little while. I have always wanted to go to Korea. And don't be mistaken, it's definitely not because of the K-pop craze, because if you knew me well you wouldn't be asking that question anyways. It's because of the KOREAN FOOD!!! I get so excited about Korean food, especially Korean bbq. It was too bad we didn't get to try much because Ivy was full and only I wanted to try it, but most of the bbq restaurants require you to order a minimum of 2 portions. Was pretty disappointed about not getting to try actual Korean bbq in Korea. But hey, I'm definitely going back next time when I have the chance. Also, since I was there I had to get those cute Korean-made socks.

The first time we were in Seoul for our first layover, we joined a 5-hour airport transit tour which brought us to Gyongbukgung Palace, Jogyesa temple and Incheon street. We probably only had only 20-30 minutes to roam around each place. I love that the airport thinks of the transit travelers and provides us with activities to do.

The second layover we had in Seoul, we had to venture out ourselves because our timing didn't fit the transit tours unfortunately. It was underwhelming - we reached Myeongdong by bus at 7am, only to find that everything wasn't open yet. Not even any small street stalls! We thought maybe the ajummas (Korean aunties) might be early risers and open their food stalls to feed people for breakfast... but NOPE. Our only salvation was McDonalds. Only like 3 hours later, shops were opened. Oh well, at least we got to see a little of Myeongdong.

This trip did little to quench my thirst for adventure, but only served to spark my wanderlust even more. And I think that's how it's suppose to be - having this perpetual desire to explore every crevice of this planet, to absorb and experience its variety of cultures and to not be afraid to take chances when it comes to making new memories. This is just a stepping stone. A huge one though!

But of course, I am so very grateful for the experiences I had and the opportunity to travel. Thanks mom and dad!!! This trip has been in the making since last year - a lot of major changes to our plan, discussions about how to go about things, doubts on where we are going to stay etc... but the fruits of our labour were sweet, almost everything went pretty much according to plan. After I broke my ankle I thought I'd never be able to hop on a plane and go half way across the world anytime soon. But by God's grace, my ankle was healing well and thus here I am telling you my stories.

Here's to more adventures!